Today I would like to tell you that you did it! You survived the shopping, the baking, the office parties and even the tacky “I’m Santa’s Vixen” t-shirt from your weird brother-in-law, Fred. Yes, that is what I would like to tell you, but unfortunately I can’t because this is post-Christmas week, a.k.a. “What the Heck Happened Here – Did We Host a College Fraternity Hazing?” Because nothing short of a nuclear blast could account for this big of a mess.
Yes, it’s the annual “Christmas Cheer,” now spread profusely all through the house that is leaving you dazed and confused. All those gifts you so lovingly wrapped have been ripped wide open leaving behind a landfill-sized mountain of paper, ribbon, glitter and tags everywhere you look.
At our house the wrapping paper dilemma was always a debacle. Before the Christmas shopping was even done I was in the midst of a mad hunt through the house for the 14 dozen rolls of gift wrap that I had smartly purchased last year at huge after-Christmas discounts. This, like picking up half-priced Christmas cards, is exceptionally clever except that by the following December I can never remember which “safe” place I stored it all in. One thing I can always count on is that the whole assortment of festive wrapping paper I purchased on sale after Christmas will suddenly resurface around New Years. In exactly the same place (I now remember) where I put it last January.
The annual “Christmas-Stuff-Secret-Hiding-Place” fiasco means that I must once again drag myself to the mall, fight for a parking place in practically the next city and, for approximately $8,000, buy an armload of gift wrapping supplies at hefty pre-Christmas prices. Oh – and don’t forget the Christmas cards because they have also escaped and are hiding out somewhere with the wrapping paper. It’s very important to purchase Christmas cards early so I can mail them by approximately December 28, beating last year’s record by a week or so.
But the disappearing Christmas supplies are a minor irritation compared to the thing that really makes me crazy about all this gift-wrapping business. Because OK, I admit it, I finally finished wrapping presents on Christmas Eve because I am so pitifully bad at it. I was tragically born without the precious gift-wrapping gene that most other folks take for granted. No sharp, square corners for me, no sir-ee-Bob! In fact, I consider a wrapping job a total success if no more than five or six square inches of the actual gift is visible underneath because invariably I’ve cut the paper too short.
But finally all the gift wrapping chores were finished and the not-so-lovely results of my handiwork were heaped underneath the tree, signaling the annual cherished family tradition of “Taming the Christmas Wrap Rubbish.”
Early Christmas morning at our house, my spouse darts outside and hauls one of the big garbage cans into the living room. This is meant to ensure that all the wrapping paraphernalia is tossed into the proper receptacle immediately after a gift is opened, thus keeping things tidy and neat. And I cannot tell you how this stained and dirty, broken-down old garbage can adds to the holiday decor of the room. I’m sure you can relate: Christmas tree? Check. Stockings hung by the chimney with care? Check. Old dilapidated rat-infested garbage can? Check.
Yep – it’s a great idea except for a few pesky problems. For example: Approximately every third gift finds me shrieking, “No!!! Not the garbage can!” whenever somebody tosses away a particularly festive package decoration that is perfectly fine and can be put to good use next year. Dang – too late. This, of course, necessitates another round of “dumpster diving” before we can continue.
Then of course we have the basketball shooters.
“Three points,” Daughter Number One hollers, aiming for the rim of the can and lobbing a four-foot wide wad of wrapping paper at 50 mph that consistently shoots straight over the can, careening wildly before finally landing somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen.
And then, a few years ago, came recycling. Our daughters (and ok, me too) were from the “Wad It Up into a Ball and Stuff It into a Garbage Bag” school of thought while my spouse preferred the “Flatten It Out and Stack It Neatly” method. Naturally, by the end of the gift-opening event, paper and ribbon would be all helter-skelter because we could never agree on the rules, and who cared about recycling anyway because it was Christmas!
All of this kind of makes me long for the good old days when our parents carefully collected all of the used paper, ribbon and bows, neatly smoothing everything out before storing it away for next year. These folks lived through the Depression when nothing was wasted and everything was used and re-used ad infinitum,
But I do bring you great news today. Whether you were home for the holidays or went over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house – people everywhere can rejoice! Because from now until at least New Year’s, Christmas wrapping paper is half off. So let’s all troop off to the mall and stock up because we still have a good 11 months to totally forget where we stored it.
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at
Ga*********@ao*.com
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