Seeing that schools are back in session, today I would like to begin with a pop quiz: If you remember former President Richard M. (“Monkey Business”) Nixon, raise your hand. If you remember the huge political scandal known as “Watergate,” raise your other hand. If you’ve raised both hands, make the “V” for “Victory” sign with the second and third fingers of each hand. You are now a precise reenactment of post-resignation “Tricky Dick” boarding a presidential helicopter for his exit into infamy.
If you answered both questions in our pop quiz without cheating, Congratulations: you are qualified to be a member of Congress. Admittedly, this may not be the jumpstart your election campaign requires to get off the ground, but you’re eminently more capable of holding office than some elected officials who’ve been rendered tragically absentminded about some basic history lessons. I mean, never mind morals; we aren’t talking about morality per se. We’re talking about people who, once they take an oath of office, suddenly become dumber than a box of rocks.
Take, for example, public bathroom menace Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Here’s a guy who presents himself as a conservative politician and promotes traditional family values. So what, for the love of God, was he thinking during what led up to his arrest for reportedly engaging in lewd conduct in an airport men’s room? With an undercover cop no less. Craig pled guilty and announced his intention to resign from the senate, then announced he might not resign from the senate and – Oh, by the way, he’d like to clear his good name so he wants to take back his guilty plea. OK, that sounds like the kind of clear-thinking leadership in government that we all need. It also sounds like another candidate for rehab.
But let’s go back to Watergate for a moment. This appalling incident occurred in the early 1970s – not an era known for its high-tech gadgetry and news dissemination. There were no cell phones, no Internet, no BlackBerry devices, no modern fax machines. What they did have was a clunky system of tape recording phone calls and bugging offices – and oh, boy – did those tapes get Nixon into trouble. Not to mention we all learned he could swear like a longshoreman. So if clumsy, low-tech operations like digging around inside old tape recordings could bring down a president – how do modern politicians expect their errant behavior to go unnoticed in today’s world of digital cameras, 24-hour news services and YouTube?
Unfortunately, Senator Craig wasn’t the only elected official to take leave of his senses. Louisiana Senator David Vitter’s name appeared recently in the phone records of the so-called “D.C. Madam.” Vitter, according to his Web site, is focused on “advancing mainstream conservative principles.” He and his wife have four children and are lectors at their church. So, ummm … how, exactly, does appearing on a notorious madam’s telephone list advance conservative principals? And Vitter should be no dummy in the mental department – he attended Harvard and was a Rhodes Scholar. But now all is forgiven because Vitter apologized and scuttled off to, apparently, serve the remainder of his term. And possibly go into rehab.
The D.C. Madam’s list also included a client by the name of Randall Tobias who held the rank of Deputy Secretary of State. Shortly after that news broke, Tobias resigned although he noted that he used the escort service for massages, not sex. Well, sure, we totally get that, and hell has frozen over and pigs have all learned how to fly.
And it’s been exactly a year since Mark (“The Pride of Florida”) Foley, resigned and fled to rehab within nano-seconds of the breaking news about his sexually explicit e-mails and instant messages to teenaged boys who had served as congressional pages. One of the more ironic twists in the Congressman Foley saga was that Foley was the chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children that introduced legislation targeting – I swear I am not making this up – sexual predators.
Yes, friends, these are our leaders. These are the high-powered men making decisions about billions of tax dollars with all the good judgment and astute thought processes of mildew. Did these guys already forget about the major granddaddy of sex scandals that unfolded during the impeachment of former President William Jefferson Clinton? We all were dragged through the mud when his dalliance with the young intern, Monica Lewinsky, became front-page news. If Clinton wasn’t the poster boy for the “Don’t try this at home” chronicle of sexual misconduct, I don’t know who was. So what possesses people in high office to assume they won’t eventually get caught? I’ll tell you what: they are some special kind of stupid.
And have you ever wondered how anybody has time to further his or her love life in a public restroom? I don’t know about you, but I prefer to get in and out of those places pronto. Plus it should go without saying that proper public restroom etiquette precludes crossing certain real estate boundaries by shoving your feet or fluttering your fingers under the partition and into your neighbor’s space. Personally, I have a hard enough time trying not to touch anything for the love of God. I mean it’s like major ick in there, people! So the last thing that’s going through my mind is enhancing my love life. Furthermore, I have bigger fish to fry such as not dropping my purse into the toilet and hoping there’s at least one square of tissue left because I always forget to check first.
Frankly, public bathrooms just aren’t the sorts of places where folks want to dilly-dally around. So I haven’t a clue what makes some think a visit to the facilities is open season on romantic overtures. But bear in mind if you should find yourself in need of a public restroom – look out! The size nines encroaching upon your space from the stall next door might just be your congressperson.
Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill
24 years. Reach her at Ga*********@*ol.com.
