You know how some mornings you sit down with your newspaper and
you begin to read all the articles and then you read something so
hysterical that you actually laugh so hard that coffee spurts out
your nose? And you know how uncomfortable that is when your coffee
is fresh and hot?
You know how some mornings you sit down with your newspaper and you begin to read all the articles and then you read something so hysterical that you actually laugh so hard that coffee spurts out your nose? And you know how uncomfortable that is when your coffee is fresh and hot?
Yeah, I so know that feeling.
Because today I read that a strip club may be coming to Gilroy. Oh – there I go again. Sorry I just can’t help but laugh. Good news though – my nose is so numb from the first spurt that I didn’t feel a thing.
Look, I don’t know much about strip clubs or topless bars. Frankly, I don’t even know if they are the same thing. But is it just me or has the prospective strip club owner just not done his homework? I mean, the guy has spent upwards of four grand on his application and apparently not one penny on market research. Seriously. Does he really, really understand Gilroy and our recent history?
Who among us doesn’t remember the Great Hooters Uproar of 2007 when the townspeople went wild over the very idea of busty women in tight shirts and shorts serving drinks and snacks off 10th Street? Good Lord, the paper was filled with affronted letters to the editor and the women at Hooters aren’t even topless. Even the reputation of the Hooters hot wings couldn’t prevent the protests.
And please, is it just me or does anyone else recall years ago when there was a sex-swapping club in a home on the outskirts of town and one of our elected officials hung out to take pictures of the cars parked there? Talk about sparking letters to the editor.
Clearly the prospective bar owner doesn’t understand that we’re Gilroyans. We don’t like topless people in our city. And we’re not all that fond of cleavage with our hot wings either. Heck, at our one and only lingerie shop, the mannequins are dressed. (Although once on a trip to Togo’s, Junior did ask Harry why he didn’t buy me any of those pajamas. I had to tell him, sadly, that at a certain age flannel becomes more important due to warmth and er, other downward issues.)
But I digress. Look, the one thing I do think the prospective owner has going for him is his product placement. Let’s be real. More men go to Home Depot than probably any place in town. It totally makes sense to put topless dancing women in the same shopping center. The only way it could be better product placement is if he put it right next to the Great Man Mecca of Gilroy – near Lowe’s and Best Buy. That way they’d get the handy guys and the gadget geeks. It’s like a trifecta – only I guess in this case it would be a duofecta, assuming there is such a thing.
But Home Depot is still a prime location, despite its lack of gadget geek allure. Men already go there in droves. And they’d have built-in excuses for being in the same strip mall. Men all over South County could call their wives/girlfriends/main squeezes and say things like, “I’ll be home a bit late, honey. I need to stop at Home Depot and pick up some lumber.” Of course you do, sweetie.
There’s also a Staples in that center. I would not be surprised if we saw a sudden upswing in men volunteering to do the back-to-school shopping – sans kids, one would hope. “I’ll miss dinner tonight, honey. The kids need pencils and paper for the first day of school.” Gee, thanks for running that errand, sweetie. Can’t think of why you’ve never done it before. Or why it’s January and you’re still shopping for back-to-school.
But you know, I think the thing that bugs me the most about the topless bar proposal is this: It’s not fair. Where are my Chippendale dancers? I mean, heck, if men all over South County have a place to go to see stripping females, shouldn’t we women have a place to go as well?
And I have the perfect location for it – right next door to the Coach Outlet. After all, I’ll need a new wallet to hold all the dollar bills I’ll be giving out.
