Today I have wonderful news: there has been a major boom in the legal profession due to the recent reappearance of that cuddly curmudgeon, O.J. Simpson. Lawyers are swarming out of the Florida swamps like hungry ‘gators and heading to Vegas. Yes, friends, O.J. learned “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” was bogus when he was nabbed after reportedly engaging in an armed robbery to, ummmm … get back his stuff.
Call me crazy, but if somebody steals your stuff, wouldn’t you just call the police? I mean if somebody took off with my salad spinner, for example, I’d be dialing 911 and reporting it for goodness sake. I’d sure as heck not call up my hooligan friends with criminal backgrounds to go raid the local no-tell motel. But maybe O.J. was looking for the real killers in that room. Or weapons of mass destruction. Or possibly Jimmy Hoffa.
Second only to the thrill of all those attorneys scampering all over Nevada was the inevitable media frenzy that ensued: Would the judge set bail? Why? Why not? Is O.J. a flight risk? Well, probably not seeing how every camera in the free-world is honed in on him at the moment. We watch O.J. going to jail. We watch O.J. leaving jail. We watch O.J. eating a baloney sandwich. OK, I made that up, but you get my drift. And how about that audiotape of the break-in, which is – you must admit – creepy. Maybe one of O.J.’s goons thought it’d make for good listening enjoyment post-robbery:
News Announcer: “Good evening. The top story tonight is the alleged armed robbery by O.J. Simpson in Las Vegas. According to sources, O.J. broke into a motel room to take back some stuff; (turning to second announcer): You know, Lloyd, this recalls O.J.’s former scrapes with the law more than a decade ago. Now here’s the audio transcript of the robbery:”
O.J.: “Move out (unintelligible) you @#$% and get (unintelligible) that back @#$% or @#$%!”
Unknown: “He’s (unintelligible) telling you, man, I @#$% or (unintelligible)”
Unknown: (unintelligible) @#$%!!!
O.J. “I said @#$% and (unintelligible) gets to (unintelligible)
Unknown: (unintelligible) and shut @#$% up!
O.J. “Huh?”
Second News Announcer: “Yes, Phil, this is indeed riveting, which is why we will replay the tape 97 more times this hour. Now let’s go back to Dave Thornshorts who’s been reporting all day live on the scene in front of the jail. Dave?”
Dave (who was enjoying a jelly donut before quickly smashing it behind his back): mmmmmffph … that’s right, Lloyd; I think we’re going to see O.J. again any minute and – Yes! – There he is … OK, that’s not technically O.J. but I think this could definitely be the guy that served O.J. crab puffs at the wedding O.J. attended yesterday. Back to you in the studio.”
News Announcer: “Thanks, Dave. Stay tuned, folks, we have more up-to-the-minute accounts of this fascinating story. Turning now to Cindy Vanderkellerkullenkamperer who’s waiting at the courthouse to tell us what O.J. is wearing today … ”
You know, where’s Kato Kaelin when you need him? OK, we may be missing Kato (although “stay tuned” because O.J.’s former houseguest is bound to turn up sometime), but we have 32-year-old Christie Prodie, O.J.’s current blonde girlfriend.
Now I was feeling kind of bad for Christie and hoping the “Free O.J.” campaign would get off to a good start because you know she’s got to be going through a lot of suffering since her man was snagged again by the long arm of the law. Plus it can’t be easy getting this kind of phone call:
O.J.: “Yo, Christie. I’m going to be late tonight. Some guy stole my favorite ballpoint pen; you know, the one that says, ‘O.J.’s Juiced!’ Oh, man, I just gotta have it back.”
Christie: “C’mon, O.J., you have 400 more just like it here at home. Give it up, baby!
O.J.: “But it’s memorabilia, baby! You know how I love my memorabilia; and besides those sneaky Goldmans would just love to get their greedy paws on my pen!”
So I was feeling a little sad for Christie. I sympathized with her parents and all; I mean how do you explain to your friends that your 20-year-old daughter was lurking around outside O.J.’s home 12 years ago when O.J. just happened to come outside and they just happened to trade phone numbers and then they just happened to move in together and then they just happened to make a dozen or so calls to report domestic disputes. I mean – Hello!!! The guy who is widely believed to have murdered two people shares your bed and you’re putting up with domestic violence? Wow – that seems like a special kind of stupid to me.
But who am I to judge? Frankly, Christie seems to be a levelheaded girl based on the spellbinding stuff she writes. No, not “writes” writes as in books or screenplays or even, unfortunately, comic books. No, O.J.’s girl appears to be a blogger and shares with the world at large such fluffy girl stuff as her advanced driving techniques: (” … you can go like 100mph and weave in and out of traffic and go into the median and use the carpool lanes … OJ bought me a Mercedes 600SL that hauls and easily goes 100mph. Outta my way in the fast lane, losers … “)
Christie even shares O.J.’s favorite kind of porn, which I will spare you from today. And you sure have to respect Christie’s acumen concerning illegal substances: (“OJ always told me that if I got pulled over with drugs in the car to take them all real fast so that the cops can’t find them!”) Gosh, Christie, blonde jokes are just so five minutes ago. You were, like, joking, right?
So if O.J. goes to the slammer, maybe Christie can be Paris Hilton’s new gal pal; they appear to have lots in common. And although I’m not joining the “Free O.J.” campaign, I am starting to feel a little differently about O.J. these days. I’m almost feeling sorry for the guy. Almost.
Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill 24 years. Reach her at Ga*********@*ol.com.
