When Olympic Games security falls into unsavory hands

With the 2014 Winter Olympics costing a projected $50 billion-plus, one wonders how large a chunk was spent on security. Russia’s Sochi – not famous for its tranquil existence – has attracted the attention of terrorists threatening to wreak havoc on the Games.
Has the often shirtless Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, missed the mark in selecting a crack security team to guard the Olympic athletes and the thousands who flocked, er … showed up at the 2014 Games?
Now, you undoubtedly know (based on the hard information gleaned from Super Bowl ads) that Seinfeld is back in town, seen sparring in the infamous New York coffee shop with his loser friend, George Costanza. You would have also noted on Super Sunday that “Jack is back!”
Yes, our collective hearts beat a little faster when we witnessed Jack Bauer, along with Jerry and friends, gracing our small screens. So I say to Russia’s leader, “Dude! You totally missed this golden opportunity!”
Who better than Jack Bauer to keep would-be terrorists under control? And who better than Seinfeld and friends to totally ensnarl communication amongst potential terrorists, rendering them impotent? And speaking of impotent …
This just in from NBC coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi …
NBC Anchor Stan Stupendous reports that George Costanza, the official in charge of Big Neurosis Security at the Winter Olympics, insists that President Putin, not wanting to be outdone as “Most Buff Bad-A** in Russia,” ordered CTU Agent Jack Bauer to surrender his black leather jacket, then concealed him in Darth Vader attire.
NBC Anchor Stan Stupendous: “Now live to Russia where our on-the-scene reporter, Trevor Perfect, brings us the latest.”
TP: “No sign of trouble here, Stan. Jack Bauer, a.k.a. Darth Vader, seems to have neutralized threats of terrorism at these Olympic Games. We have reports that Jack/Darth was looking strong speeding through the giant slalom with guns ablaze. Even the unfortunate snagging of his cape on a photographer’s zoom lens barely slowed him down.”
Anchor Stan: “Switching now to George Costanza’s right hand man, Jerry Seinfeld, who appears to be speaking to someone …”
Jerry: “Hello … Newman. I see you’re wearing your mailman uniform in Sochi.”
Newman: “I’m helping Kramer pick up chicks. The babes here go wild for men in uniform.”
Anchor Stan: “Jerry has his hands full, but we have on-the-scene reporter, Trevor Perfect, back with us. Trevor, it looks like you had some excitement today described by eye witnesses at the ice dancing event.”
TP: “That’s right, Stan. Male Russian ice dancers are infuriated that Jack Bauer, a.k.a. Darth Vader, infiltrated a performance with their star female skater, Olga Denuyoppypoppavich. Jack/Darth performed a perfect 10 combination of ice dancing and figure skating jumps, winning the U.S. a gold medal in the Russians’ own event! This is unheard of! And the Russians are furious!”
Anchor Stan: “George Costanza is back with us now and seems to be rather upset. George, can you tell us what’s going on?”
George: “What’s going on? I’ll tell you what’s going on! Kramer’s hair caught fire when he got too close to the Olympic torch!”
Anchor Stan: “Why that’s terrible, George! Why would Kramer subject himself to the Olympic torch at such close range?”
George: “Shrinkage! Newman told Kramer about shrinkage! That he’d never get any cute Russian chicks because it’s too freaking cold and now Kramer is doing everything he can to warm things up, if you get my drift.”
Anchor Stan: “Well, that is indeed heartbreaking but you can be grateful that your good friend Elaine Benes is close by.”
George: “Not anymore! Elaine was yelling something about Jack Bauer being ‘sponge-worthy’ and she’s chasing him all over the slopes of Sochi. Now nobody can locate Jack/Darth because he can’t find anyplace that’s safe from Elaine!”
Trevor Perfect: “Stan? Look! I don’t know if this is true, but if so, we may have another first here. Eyewitnesses say that Jack/Darth has turned up at the men’s curling event and he’s taken the gold! When I tried to interview him, he ran. Muttered something about sponges …”
And now … back to your regularly scheduled Olympics.