Anytime a new craze sweeps across the land, I react by rationally yelling, “Now why didn’t I think of that?”
This time, however, is different. You see, this fad involves – gulp! – Numbers! Aimed straight at my math and number-phobic heart, this latest projectile of pop culture leaves me in a cold sweat.
I admit I’ve had a few arms-length encounters with Sudoku, and I’m learning to say the word without sounding like I have a mouth full of Cheez Doodles. And I have read a couple of articles praising its cleverness. I even presented a couple of Sudoku puzzle books to Son-in-Law Number One in his Christmas stocking. Soon he was knocking out “green belt” and then “black belt” level puzzles – much to the consternation of my daughter who complains that their Together Time in the evening has deteriorated to pretty much the following:
“How was your day, Jim?”
Jim: “Hmmmmm? You know, I think that middle square should have been a seven.”
“You’re right, Jim. And I’ve just booked myself on an around-the-world cruise. I’m going to Neiman Marcus tomorrow to begin charging my new $50,000 wardrobe. And I will need at least three dozen expensive pairs of shoes and some diamond earrings.”
“Great. Dang it!! I just knew that square was supposed to be a three!!!”
And so on. For those not initiated into the world of Sudoku, this is a “simple” crossword-type puzzle game using numbers rather than letters – the object being to fill in a grid of nine rows and nine columns with the numbers one through nine without repeating a number in any of the respective rows or columns. Or something. The big selling point is each puzzle comes with a few of the squares already filled in.
The how-to books take sadistic pride in gleefully proclaiming that you will soon be “utterly addicted” to Sudoku. Well, so far that much is true. Said son-in-law, my spouse and brother-in-law are irreversibly hooked. You could pretty much set off bombs in the vicinity of their eardrums or import Las Vegas showgirls to shimmy around their bent heads, and their attention would not be diverted one bit. But in my opinion, these puzzles are downright diabolical.
When I finally decided it was time to see what all the hoopla was about, I was initially taken in by Sudoku’s perceived simplicity. Opening my spouse’s medium difficulty level book, once I finally wrestled it away from him, I found an unsolved puzzle and began filling in some numbers. Arriving at square number four without so much as the teeniest little glitch, I was feeling rather cocky.
“What’s the big deal?” I was thinking. “I’m not even a numbers person and I’m totally getting this,” which is about the exact same time I realized that, unbeknownst to me, somewhere a terrible mistake had been made. Whoever had cooked up this particular puzzle had devised it so that there was no possible way anybody, short of Albert Einstein on a really good day, could complete it.
My cries of frustration naturally brought all the Sudoku experts out of the woodwork in the form of my spouse and my brother-in-law.
My husband revealed his strategy of working way ahead of where he is at any given time so he doesn’t paint himself into a corner, so to speak. And my brother-in-law, who showed me one of his puzzles in progress, explained that he inserts into each tiny square every number that could potentially be correct – rendering the puzzle into something similar in appearance to the daily market report in the Wall Street Journal.
What you need to know about me is that numbers just make me crazy. Seriously, when I sit down with a math problem, the cows on nearby hillsides begin to grow restless. Somewhere, many miles beyond the stratosphere, sunspots flare and mutate causing a maelstrom of solar wind while strains of the theme from “Jaws” play louder and louder from an invisible chasm deep within the earth’s core. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you get my drift.
Interestingly, most of the people who get hooked on this puzzle are men. Where are the girls? I take this as a sure sign that the game is seriously flawed. Sure, you could try to persuade me that women don’t get Sudoku because it involves engaging in – hahahaha – “logical analysis,” but I’m not buying it.
Wouldn’t it make way more sense to do away with those pesky numbers and make it a more meaningful challenge? Like “Dream Shopping for Luxurious Vacation Get-Aways” for example. This puzzle would feature squares filled in with ideal fantasy-like destinations, and the object will be accessorizing the trip with the perfect vacation wear. So if your destination is Kauai, you fill in the other eight squares with all sorts of designer frocks and footwear of a tropical nature – no duplications of course – then move on to a ski trip in Aspen with eight pieces of appropriate winter wear, an African safari with some cute khaki attire and chunky faux animal skin jewelry – and so on until – Voila! You’ve filled out all the squares on your fun “Travel Shopping Sudoku” and planned your next vacation at the same time. Now that makes total sense.
Quick! Somebody call Parker Brothers because – by George! – I think I’m on to something!
