Ladies, for years you
’ve been stumped on what exactly it is that makes the guys fall
in love with you forever. In an effort to help you all out of your
dating doldrums, the following is a guide on how to make sure your
first date isn’t your last.
Ladies, for years you’ve been stumped on what exactly it is that makes the guys fall in love with you forever. In an effort to help you all out of your dating doldrums, the following is a guide on how to make sure your first date isn’t your last.
First, when asked to go on the date, roll your eyes and say something like “A date. With you? I guess wasting one evening with you wouldn’t kill me.” Then, don’t make a final commitment as to when the date will take place; let him wait a while. The suspense will make him want you even more. A really great idea is to keep blowing him off for your previous crush, even if he was kind of a dork with very little dating potential.
When you finally break down and set a date, show up for the date at least an hour late, straight from the gym, covered in sweaty spandex, with no make-up on, and wearing mismatched shoes. Tell him it will just take a few minutes for you to get cleaned up. Then, spend at least an hour and half in your bathrobe, curling your hair.
When you find yourself feeling guilty that he’s all alone, you send Charlie, your sweet little pit bull, down to play with him, forgetting what happened last time Charlie played with one of your dates. Honestly, he’s the sweetest little puppy; he just has a fetish for the taste of male flesh. Ignore your date’s fatal pleas for help; no point in rushing yourself.
Make the date a huge group outing, with at least three other cars packed with your friends. Insist on taking your car, making a statement that his beat up classic Chevy is about as efficient as a trash can with wheels. Honestly, nothing is better than insulting a guy’s car. They love this! When you finally do ride in it, make sure the door on your side swings open while he’s driving. If you’re really talented, grab onto the authentic door panel when you close the door, and yank it off.
During dinner, stick your feet up on the table and eat your meal caveman style. Remember, this means no forks! With lasagna smeared all over your hands, how could he resist falling for you? Don’t forget to order the most expensive item on the menu; he’s buying, why worry?
When he suggests the two of you go to a movie, bring one of your girlfriends along. Who said three was a crowd? Don’t forget that the movie decision is always up to you. I would suggest a hardcore chick flick like Sweet Home Alabama or My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Yes, I know, guys say they hate chick flicks but secretly, they LOVE them.
Honestly, do you really think “poker night” is for poker? No. In all actuality, the guys really get together so they can watch Pretty Woman and Casablanca. (They have to get in touch with their sensitive sides somehow.) And don’t worry if he falls asleep during the movie. He’s just pretending to cover up his secret obsession. They all do this. As soon as you’re seated, whine about a strong craving for Milk Duds until he finally volunteers to buy some for you. The moment he returns, Milk Duds in hand, insist that you wanted Gummi Bears instead. Men love a good candy hunt.
To finish the movie part of the night off, begin crying hysterically when you think Jake and Melanie won’t be able to resolve all of their issues from the past, in order to live happily ever after. When you finally start to settle down, (but girls, give this display at least 10 minutes) blow your nose on his sleeve. No holding back for this one, clear those nasal cavities! Don’t worry if your date begins to scream in disgust. He’s just playing – he really likes it.
Now would be a great time to head for Starbucks for a late night latté. The moment you get inside, shove the next person in line out of the way and step up to the counter. Guys love it when girls are demanding. Then, when you order your beverage, insist on hearing the exact amount of carbohydrates inside every single drink. After you’ve held up the line for a good half-hour or so, decide you’re not really in the mood for coffee after all and leave.
Stop by his house after not having coffee and look through all his childhood pictures. Comment on the fact that he used to be a rather chubby boy and inquire into what must have been a miraculous dieting plan. After being introduced to his psychotic dachshund, “accidentally” call your date by his dog’s name. This one will really make him fall for you. (Nothing’s considered to be a bigger compliment than being confused with your own dog.) Then, when the dog starts to jump and lick you, scream in complete horror until your date is forced to take the unruly beast out of the room. Trust me, that whole theory about guys loving girls who love their dogs is a complete myth.
When he takes you back to your house and suggests coming inside for a while, complain that you have way too much algebra homework. If he offers to help you with it, take him up on it. Having someone do your math homework is an offer you can’t refuse.
If the night continues to drag on and he just won’t leave, my suggestion: pretend to fall asleep on him. Now this tip has backfired in the past, so be careful. You might actually fall asleep and end up waking up to find him hovering over you. (Scary, trust me.)
Okay, so if you haven’t caught on yet, I haven’t the faintest clue how to win a guy’s heart, especially after the first date. In fact, it saddens me to tell you that, although exaggerated, my friends and I have done many of these things on one date or another. Since I’ve started college, I’ve really been thinking about the whole dating process while I continue to have unusual and almost always awkward first dates. Will there ever be a date where nothing goes wrong? Where one of us doesn’t do something completely stupid?
Sometimes it’s incredibly hard for me to believe that we all keep having first dates, over and over again. And I can’t help but think that the contestants on Extreme Dating are more than a little insane. Dating is extreme enough for me as it is, but to put the whole disastrous night on television? Maybe we just keep searching for that new feeling, with butterflies in the pit of our stomachs, changing outfits at least five times, in the hope that this time it just might be different.
Well, if I ever do figure out the secret to a successful, heart-capturing date, I promise you’ll be the first to know. Until then, keep dating, and someday your prince will come…
