Au Revoir, Paris! Adieu, famous non-celebrity celebrity. Yes,
she was in, she was out, she was phoning it in, she was totally
back in. Although not
”
in
”
as in a
”
Totally in, Dude,
”
in-crowd sort of way unless you count
”
in
”
as
”
incarcerated.
”
Au Revoir, Paris! Adieu, famous non-celebrity celebrity. Yes, she was in, she was out, she was phoning it in, she was totally back in. Although not “in” as in a “Totally in, Dude,” in-crowd sort of way unless you count “in” as “incarcerated.” That in-crowd. OK, even I’m getting confused. But the spoiled rich girl that everybody loves to hate learned how it feels when someone tells her “No.” Throwing a major hissy fit in the courtroom, she screamed it wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair, and where the devil was her mother?! More puzzling: Where were her legions of adoring fans because based on public opinion polls, everybody who ever worshiped at The Altar of Paris was headed for the exits.
And what is it about Paris – and others of her ilk – that sent the self-proclaimed “most trusted name in news” network CNN (and others) into such a mega media frenzy? The time spent covering the socialite’s in-and-out prison saga was on a par with what we’d see if Anna Nicole Smith and Elvis suddenly returned to life and skipped hand-in-hand down Broadway.
And it wasn’t as if there was no news out there in the rest of the world. President Bush got a stomach bug while off at the G8 Summit promoting some, ummm. . .good will while Russia’s Vladimir Putin got huffy about missiles or some such. Then the “Nothin’ Says Lovin’ like Cash in the Freezer” senator proclaimed his innocence, the preacher’s wife who shot her husband in the back got sentenced to a slap on the wrist – and my goodness, it was enough to make your head spin. So much in the news – and every bit of it all but ignored so we could follow the cameras as they hovered about the Wild Child on her trip back to prison. Even the Paris “peeps” must have sniffed the over-do from the press. A statement, purportedly issued by the heiress except it was coherent and polished (can you say “handlers?”), chastened the press to stop spending so much time on Paris and concentrate on items that matter such as the soldiers fighting the war in Iraq. Paris knows there’s a war? What with the booze, the parties and all those photo shoots it seems unlikely.
Still, you can really feel Paris’s pain, what with having to deal with detention for all those, ummmm. . .days. What about her manicures, her peddies, her parties? But – and we were all just so relieved – the hotel heiress squeezed in a little spray tanning time at home courtesy of the Portofino Sun Spa, which sent an emergency “tan van” to her Hollywood Hills abode to coax some color back into those wan little cheeks after three whole days in jail.
I mean, let’s face it. Paris is just like us only prettier. Oh, and that boatload of money that mere mortals such as you and I will never have to deal with. I guess we should include that. So in the end you could say that the unfairness of sending Paris off to examine The Prison Life up close and personal is just as outrageous as if it happened to you or me. Because frankly, you and I both know we’d be pretty tweaked if we had to face all those icky prison people just because we’d violated parole a couple of times. I mean, picky-picky. So you certainly can’t expect Girlfriend to go off all ghetto-like to the slammer and hang with heaven only knows what all she’s apt to find in that cell. Imagine the injustice! An important socialite like Paris sharing her confines with all manner of despicable things like mismatched prison sheets and possibly crates of live poultry for the love of God.
If we criticize Paris because she seems a little vacuous, we need to lighten up. If she acts empty-headed, it’s only because she has so much on her mind what with keeping her anything-but-the-simple-life Real Life mojo on while suffering so many freak-show “little people” crossing her path every five minutes. Truthfully, Paris is part of that important jet-setting crowd famous for throwing home-based Botox bashes like your Aunt Ethel hosts Tupperware parties.
And does the apple ever fall that far from the tree? Consider Kathy Hilton, Paris’s mom, in explaining how so many folks admire her offspring and “Hopefully, young people who look up to Paris will learn from this.” When Paris had her meltdown in the courtroom, don’t you know that 14-year-old girls all over the world were having the crisis of their young lives? To tell the truth, I can only wish I still had teenage daughters. I would encourage them to emulate Paris so that maybe someday they could have meaningful lives, too. I mean, forget her little sex tape and all. If you’re Paris Hilton, you can do anything you want and nobody’s going to call you on it, and the press will be there cataloging your every breath. Yep – if my girls were younger Paris would be a must-have on their list of impressive people to look up to. Put her somewhere below Michael Jackson and athletes on steroids. And possibly dryer lint.
OK, that was harsh because – and this is truly shocking due to the unfortunate lack of rehab – we heard Paris has had a breakthrough. It appears that after spending many, like, hours in jail, Paris had a revelation, got religion and announced to Barbara Walters via a collect phone call that she was going to quit “acting dumb.” (Gosh – that was an act?) Does this mean the end of hair extensions? Designer wear? And what’s a formerly superficial cosmetics queen to do with all that lip gloss?
Yes, I think we should dispense with this shallow, superficial stuff. We’re about to behold the spiritual, deep-thinking socialite with a plan to help worthy causes all over the world. So let’s get ready to greet the transformed Paris. Botox, anyone?
Gale Hammond is a 24-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at Ga*********@*ol.com.
