Recently, a friend of mine asked,
“Is it just me, or are all men toxic when it comes to love and
relationships?” Now, having the wonderful wisdom I’ve gained from
my Women’s Studies course this semester, I was able to inform her
that, “Yes, it appears that many men may just be toxic when it
comes to love and relationships
. But, (yes, boys, there is a but) they have good reason for
it!”
Recently, a friend of mine asked, “Is it just me, or are all men toxic when it comes to love and relationships?”
Now, having the wonderful wisdom I’ve gained from my Women’s Studies course this semester, I was able to inform her that, “Yes, it appears that many men may just be toxic when it comes to love and relationships. But, (yes, boys, there is a but) they have good reason for it!”
What I am about to share with you may just be the most important piece of information out there. It is called “The Boy Code.”
Written by Bill Pollack, a Harvard University faculty member, “The Boy Code,” describes what boys are like, how to help them, and what happens if they aren’t helped.
“The Boy Code” was part of my homework, which I dutifully, if not enthusiastically, set out to read. Forty-four pages later, I was quite enlightened. Boys have been (and always will be) a mystery to me: after all, Pollack can’t work miracles. But he did help me to understand where guys are coming from, with a new perspective. It even helped me to forgive a few of them.
Pollack finds several reasons to explain the current behavior of many men. He explained the early and harsh pressure to disconnect from their families that occurs as soon as the boys reach the age of a young toddler and then again in adolescence. The other main reason is the “Boy Code,” which consists of several rules and expectations that come from many outdated and highly dysfunctional gender stereotypes.
Examples of this behavior in society are moments when boys are made to feel ashamed of their vulnerable feelings. They are called sissies or “mama’s boys” if they remain sensitive and emotionally open. Boys have to struggle with mixed messages, “to be manly but empathetic, cool but open, strong yet vulnerable.”
It seems that with many boys, you have to put up a fight and struggle to get behind this mask of masculinity they put on as some sort of protective front. They use this front to hide their true inner feelings, and to present to everyone an image of “male toughness, stoicism, and strength,” when in actuality they really feel desperately alone and afraid. Pollack goes on to explain this in great detail, stating that a strong, bonded relationship with his parents is a boy’s main salvation. “Stay connected, no matter what,” says Pollack.
Now I’m just going to skip to the good stuff: relationships. One of the myths about boys that Pollack writes about is that they are‚ in fact, believed to be “toxic.”
He suggests, “We tend to believe that there is something inherently dangerous or toxic about boys – that they are psychologically unaware, emotionally unsocialized creatures.”
I’ll admit it; I, too, was guilty of believing this myth.
But in fact, (to my complete astonishment) Pollack has found, through extensive research, that boys immensely love and they yearn for relationships far more than we recognize. The problem? Boys’ loving natures seem to be overlooked by society for two main reasons.
First, when boys relate to things in what is usually considered a “feminine manner”- being tender, affectionate, and emotionally expressive, society tends to immediately see this as a violation of the “Boy Code” of masculine toughness and strong independence.
Secondly, boys tend to approach friendships and express love far more differently than girls do. Too often we just don’t get it until it’s too late. Their struggles to show affection go unnoticed because we’re unable to relate to their indirect method of showing it. Rather than showing love through words, they do so through action.
“When they see somebody they love in a vulnerable position or in trouble, they leap to the rescue and do whatever they can to help their friend or loved one through the situation,” says Pollack.
At a young age boys begin to show their affection for girls in an indirect way. They may start by teasing the girl. Though teasing is a method often thought of as malicious, it actually may just demonstrate a fundamental desire to stir up a chance at friendship. I recently witnessed this in a true-life experience.
A few days ago, a local fraternity barged into our sorority house at one in the morning and proceeded to cover our entire kitchen, floor to ceiling, with blueberry yogurt. Now, as several of the girls in my sorority expressed their utmost outrage towards these boys, I interrupted, clearly understanding that the maturity of most frat boys closely parallels that of a second grader.
I wisely said, “I think they only did it because they like us. I mean, they had to take the time to plan the whole expedition out, and they did spend an awful lot of money on all that blueberry yogurt. It really shows that they must care about us.”
Their response? “Chrissy, shut up.”
(So, I’ll concede that this whole “boy code” theory may take some time to embrace, but honestly if you compare a 19 year old frat boy’s mentality to that of a second grader’s, things start to make a lot more sense.)
Now, I’m not saying you should use this as an excuse to put up with a beer-guzzling idiot who has absolutely no recognizable direction in life, other than heading to the nearest 7-Eleven to pick up his next twenty-four pack, and who continues to believe that really is in fact spelled with one “l” instead of two. We women are understanding, but we’re not Mother Theresa.
Pollack concludes that, after hearing several boys’ stories, they “not only want to form close relationships but actually are often very creative and successful in doing so.”
Society’s constant misunderstanding of boys confuses us into imagining that close relationships are not central to boys’ normal growth or development. But, in reality, boys need close relationships just as much as girls do, if not more.
Keep in mind that just because we’ve gained some insight into boys “real” feelings about relationships, this does not in any way mean that if they persist in fighting the idea of a relationship with you, you should continue to beg, plead, and struggle.
As hard as it is, and although you may feel that it is necessary to pull back the many layers of their masculine mask to get to that emotionally loving marshmallow inside (the same way it is necessary to continue playing that carnival game until you win the big, giant teddy bear) women should never beg a man for a relationship. It’s part of the “girl code”.
It will never turn out right. You may soon find yourself in a “relationship” with a boy who calls you “Mom” when he is on the phone with you, to keep people from knowing that he has a girlfriend. (This recently happened to someone I know.)
Some boys just need more time to understand themselves than others. Either they’ll come around, or they won’t. No matter what, you’ve still got a chance with about 10,000 other guys out there. Or you can just listen to my mom who tries to soothe me with this one, simple, reassuring statement she read on a bumper sticker: “A women needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
Hmmm – I didn’t know fish could peddle with those fins.
