June 10, 2004: Responding to terrorist attacks in the Kingdom
against oil industry workers, all foreigners leave Saudi Arabia.
Without sufficient workers to run the refineries the Saudis are
forced to cut back production by 25 percent immediately, and
gasoline prices in the United States rise 50 cents per gallon in a
week.
June 10, 2004: Responding to terrorist attacks in the Kingdom against oil industry workers, all foreigners leave Saudi Arabia. Without sufficient workers to run the refineries the Saudis are forced to cut back production by 25 percent immediately, and gasoline prices in the United States rise 50 cents per gallon in a week. Polls show that no one plans to curtail their summer travel plans, and the Federal Highway Administration warns the public to expect huge traffic jams all summer.
June 30: The Bush administration announces that it has a bold new program to decrease our dependency on foreign oil, and unveils plans for a massive exploratory drilling operation to take place on the Kennedy compound in Hyannisport, Mass. “Politics has nothing to do with this,” says a White House spokesman before bursting out laughing.
July 15: Ford debuts its new larger, heavier SUV, the Masticator. Weighing in at 9,000 pounds, it sleeps seven and features a spa, a small conference room, and a video arcade for children. It is the first production vehicle whose fuel consumption rating is measured in yards-per-gallon. A massive ad campaign is also launched, based on the slogan “You Can’t Possibly Be A Man If You Don’t Have One” with a five-minute jingle sung by Rod Stewart and released separately as a CD. A Ford executive answers critics of the behemoth’s introduction saying “It’s not like we’re pushing these products; we are completely at the mercy of consumer demand.” Dealerships report a waiting list of six to eight months.
September 1: Gas prices hit a national average of $7 a gallon when it is discovered that Iraq actually has no oil reserves left after Saddam shipped it all to a secret Swiss bank account. As usual, the Swiss refuse to cooperate, citing the sanctity of confidentiality in their banking relationships, and diplomats are unsuccessful in obtaining its release.
On the bright side, the discovery causes the Bush administration to immediately withdraw all troops from Iraq, who disappear within 48 hours leaving behind a post-it note saying, “Oops, sorry about the mess – best wishes on that demo-/theocratic-freely elected dictatorship religious-secular government thingy you got going there.” The president’s popularity goes up 10 points.
September 23: Volvo announces that in order to reduce the cost of fueling its vehicles it is modifying the engines to run on 18-year old single-malt Scotch; the company estimates a 40 percent saving for the average consumer. The Scottish economy experiences its greatest prosperity in 1,000 years; kilts finally become a mainstream male fashion item.
October 12: A way to restore international economic stability is found when WalMart announces that it is purchasing Saudi Arabia in exchange for 15 percent of its stock. In keeping with its business model, WalMart will extract the oil, ship it in WalMart containers, refine it in WalMart refineries, sell it at WalMart gas stations for use in cars sold at WalMart dealerships and covered by WalMart insurance to be eventually repaired at WalMart auto body shops by WalMart mechanics using WalMart tools, wearing WalMart clothing, eating WalMart food and breathing WalMart air. The president’s popularity goes up another 10 points.
November 15: Following his landslide re-election President Bush announces that as part of his stimulus package for the domestic economy every government vehicle purchased henceforth will be a Ford Masticator. Unfortunately, by then Ford has moved all its manufacturing facilities to Scotland.
Robert Mitchell is a Morgan Hill attorney.
