Recently, I lost my superpowers. And by “superpowers,” I mean the ability to walk upright without falling on my face and causing great bodily harm. Oh, I know that others may think of superpowers as things like X-ray vision or shooting spider webs out of your hands, but really I’m kind of a simple person. Also? You should never underestimate the value of being able to walk without falling down. I know I never will again.
To make it worse, I lost my superpowers at Disneyland. This is because despite my deep and abiding love for Disneyland (or, as Harry calls it, my “bizarre obsession with castles and mice”), it is becoming apparent that Disneyland hates me. And it hates me a lot.
So, on day two of our trip, we went on a ride I’m not terribly fond of – Splash Mountain. In case you’ve never been on this ride, let me tell you, it’s terrifying. You sit in a log, float around and pretty much spend several minutes listening to “zippity-do-dah” over and over again until that song is embedded in your head and impossible to remove without either a) divine intervention or b) a brain transplant.
And then you drop a few stories and get soaking wet. Oh, and there aren’t any seatbelts. Really. It’s just you and the log. Terrifying. As a bonus, you get to spend the rest of your day stinking of swamp water.
Yeah. I don’t like the ride too much. Anyway, we left Disneyland after the ride to change and go to dinner. So we ride a shuttle to the hotel and as I’m getting out, my superpowers are suddenly overcome with the smell of nasty swamp water and they fail, causing me to fall over the curb and lie like a very wet, 40-something fish on the sidewalk.
Not a good look for me, if you want to know the truth.
I realize right away that this isn’t a good thing. I think I know this because of the intense pain shooting up my right arm. Or maybe it’s the way I can’t move at all. On the other hand, that stupid song is finally out of my head, so every cloud has a silver lining.
Eventually I flop over, open my eyes and realize a billion people are looking at me, holding their noses and wondering if I’m dead. Really, nothing will make you feel older than lying injured on a sidewalk while a very young fireman feels up your arm and the entire planet stares and wonders how stupid you are that you cannot walk upright without falling down.
But there was another bonus. My first ambulance ride. I can’t tell you how exciting it was. Mainly because it wasn’t exciting at all. No lights. No siren. Just me in the back with yet another young guy feeling up my arm. I’d be flattered, but apparently they are paid to feel up people who fall down.
So, to make a long story short, after coming home, I had surgery and I now have a piece of metal and six pins in my arm. Which means I will be X-rayed at the airport forever. Also? The surgeon was my neighbor, which sounds like a great idea, right? I mean, I can just run across the street and have a house call if anything goes wrong.
Yeah, this sounds awesome until the day of surgery when you realize that your neighbor will see you naked. Please. Pause and think about this. How many of you want your neighbor to see you naked? OK, you over there, with your hand raised? Yes, you. You’re weird. Because nobody I know wants their neighbor to see them naked.
But I got over it. I think it was the pain medication. Or possibly the unattractive dress they put me in before surgery – which meant nobody saw me naked and I panicked for nothing. Whatever. My arm felt better and honestly? That was what mattered.
But as soon as I get out of this cast, I am going to work on getting my superpowers back. Because after all of this, I certainly don’t want them to fail me again.
