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Everywhere he went, people kept asking Andrew Brinton, 38, of Gilroy, the same question: ‘So, when are you going back to work?’
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The thing is—he wasn’t. For Brinton, this wasn’t a sudden foray into weekend parenting or a stint watching his kids while he was out of a “real job.” Brinton and his wife Donna had officially decided that for their family, dad would be the primary caretaker of their kids at their home in Gilroy—a full time Stay at Home Dad.
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But, in an era when we have become so liberated, people still seem to have a hard time accepting the concept.
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“I was surprised when I started doing it how strong the reaction was against it from various people,” says Brinton. “There was the assumption that it wasn’t a full time gig. Where I think if the gender roles were reversed, I don’t think they would have done that.”
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Brinton began staying home when River, 5, was an infant, and he hasn’t looked back.
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He’s joined by about 2 million stay at home dads who are strapping on the baby carriers, arranging the playdates, planning the meals and carpooling the kids from one activity to the next.
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With summer in our midst, Brinton says the things that normally would have kept him busy during the school year have slowed.
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“A lot of the time it was just me being an Uber driver. One kid to school, the next kid to school, then preschool and then pick up and all that kind of stuff.”
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“It’s a different sort of work. It’s a full time plus job. I wake up with kids. I’m going all day and I put the kids to bed and it’s 8:30 and then I have to clean up after the kids and by that time I just want a moment to myself,” he says.
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Planning is a must for this stay at home dad of four including River, his younger siblings Asher, 3, and Lyra, 2, and 10-year-old brother Wyatt.
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The values and gender roles assigned to parents like Brinton don’t just stop in social circles, they even found their way onto the playground.
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“There’s this weird sort of dynamic where I come to the park and see all these moms and some of them I know and say ‘hi’ and that sort of thing, but there isn’t the same sort of connection,” says Brinton.
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“I’ll show up 10 times, recognize faces and have light conversations, but this situation is different for my wife. When she shows up there are numbers exchanged and playdates planned,” Brinton says.
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One thing that has made it easier, says Brinton, is that the oldest is in school and he says it’s been a great place to meet people. “When River was still a baby, I would volunteer at the school, and you know I’d strap the baby on and have him in an ergo and volunteer at the library and do all that kind of stuff.”
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Perhaps it was that the other parents—moms—had become more trusting of this seeming outsider, or maybe that Brinton had become more comfortable assuming the role.
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Then again, when you’re on the inside looking out, things don’t seem all that odd. That’s the case for Cheech Hsu, 43, of Gilroy. “I don’t think we ever saw it as strange,” Hsu says. “I don’t think we ever thought about it.”
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A dance instructor by night, a stay at home dad of three by day, Hsu’s passion are his children Nicholas, 13, Dion, 10, and Braden, 7. Hsu had an epiphany after Neeko (Nicholas’ preferred name) was born in 2003, when he discovered how deeply connected he wanted to be with Neeko.
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“I want to be the type of father that is there,” Hsu says. “I want to see it through.”
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He’s spoken with fathers who tell him their kids hardly know them because they are gone so much during the week. Hsu never wanted that to happen with his boys.
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“I just knew that I wanted to play with my kids. My kids are my passion, for sure.”
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Their routine has been the same for the past 13 years. His wife Jeannie works full-time for Santa Clara County Library District, and Hsu teaches his college dance classes in the evening.
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Their family dynamic may not be traditional, but it works for them.
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Growing up, Hsu’s father, a pharmacist, worked out of their home, and his mother, a middle school teacher, would return home after school. Hsu’s grandparents also lived with them.
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Surrounded by family as a young boy provided Hsu with a familial bond which he now shares with his children.
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“I always knew it took a strong father presence to raise a balanced kid, especially for sons. I knew that was very important,” Hsu says.
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Unlike Hsu, Brinton had an absentee father and the only family he was surrounded by were his mother and sister, so he had no problem stepping into that role, he says. “I wanted to be as present as possible.”
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Scott Kjellesvig, 44, a single father of three in Gilroy, also had no problem morphing into the role of stay at home dad.
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“It was natural because I’ve always been a very hands-on dad,” says Kjellesvig.
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Kjellesvig has a flexible job in sales that allows him to be home with his children Christian, 11, Braddock, 9, and Hazel, 8.
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“When they come home from school, I’m home and I’m with them the whole time,” says Kjellesvig.
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Like Hsu and Brinton, Kjellesvig does the cooking, sorts the laundry, tidys the house and shuttles the kids around town.
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“When I have them I’m with them at home. I’m doing everything that they need, I don’t have a nanny or anything like that.” he says.
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Kjellesvig says it all takes a lot of planning and keeping the kids involved in activities. His daughter does sewing and horseback riding and both of his boys play basketball, which is how Christian Kjellesvig became friends with Dion Hsu a couple years ago. Scott Kjellesvig is a basketball coach for Gilroy High School as well as his two sons’ teams.
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Not only does he keep his teams busy, but he and his kids take to the outdoors often.
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When they are together, Kjellesvig says, “We like to travel, we are always on the go, we are always outside of the house, whether it be bike riding or day trips or weekend trips or camping.”
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However it’s done, keeping kids engaged and thriving takes a lot of time, energy and patience.
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“I love being at home and caring for my kids and I wish I had them 100 percent of the time,” Kjellesvig says.
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As stay at home dads, each of these men is as engaged, loving and concerned as any parent would be about their child’s growth and development.
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“Being able to see my kids right away, like if they’re going through something, I explain to them what I’ve learned, share what I’ve learned. The best thing is that I feel like I have a relationship with them,” Hsu says.
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Does he think staying home is better than staying in the office for any dad?
“I think it’s really for anybody—just have a solid philosophy on how you want to raise your kids.”
