Feeling crazy may be a mark of sanity in my situation. ~ Anne
Wilson Schaef
Feeling crazy may be a mark of sanity in my situation.
~ Anne Wilson Schaef
A friend and colleague sent this to me today after we had a long discussion on the challenge of parenting teenagers.
As we decompressed after a long meeting last night, I don’t know how it happened, but we turned to the subject of how we talk to our kids about sex and other difficult to talk about subjects (specifically, our own drug or alcohol use in college or whether or not we had sex before marriage).
There are several approaches. There’s the parent, motivated by wanting to keep the doors to communication open, who tells the truth when she is asked by her daughter in eighth grade “When’s the first time you had sex, Mom?”
It’s embarrassing, sure, to not be seen as a perfect role model, or it’s a bit unnerving not knowing if the child will see a truthful answer of “too early” as permission to do the same, or as the cautionary tale it is meant to be.
While the honest answer has its down side: it could be seen as a lack of boundaries or discretion, the up side is that it establishes a practice of honesty so that the youth remembers “Mom was always honest with me, and has nothing to hide, so I will be honest with her.”
Then there’s the parent that deflects attention from her pre-parenthood period when asked “Mom, did you ever use drugs?” focusing instead on the reason for her daughter’s question. “Hmm … this isn’t really about what I did, is it? What’s on your mind?”
This response still maintains honesty by not lying, and maintains open communication, while keeping a clear boundary, focusing on the youth’s concern or interest in the subject of substance abuse.
And then there is the parent that lies when answering. This helps relieve any apprehension over whether or not one is a hypocrite for having used drugs (or had sex) herself, while insisting that her children adhere to the higher standard of absolutely no drugs or no sex during high school (or college, or as most fathers wish for their daughters: no sex ever.)
And, some parents pick any of the aforementioned responses, depending on the issue.
Listening to my daughter and son, I find they are dealing with some of the same emotional, social and physical issues in their high school years that we faced ourselves later in college.
They need to talk about some of the things that make us parents uncomfortable.
Even if they cannot articulate it, they are thinking about drugs and sex and peer pressure.
We have to talk about the difficult stuff: sex, abortion, drugs, gangs, cheating, etc.
Whichever approach you choose, the answer, true or not, is merely a starting point to a larger discussion that is beneficial to the both of you.
The meeting we attended was a public hearing of the Mental Health Services Act (also known as Proposition 63).
The county Mental Health Department has had a thorough public outreach process to gain the input of many people in order to address the needs of an extraordinarily broad number of categories of need.
Santa Clara County had many teams of people who helped shape an ambitious plan to address the needs of high-risk children ages 0-5, foster care youth, juvenile justice-involved youth, seriously emotional disturbed or seriously mentally ill youth and more.
The focus on children 0-5 is unusual. Other counties aren’t focusing on them in their plans, even though research has shown the effect of witnessing violence on a child’s developing brain has long term mental health consequences.
The lack of mental health services for both adults and children is acute in South County, and these hearings were an important step in making our voices heard.
Special thanks to Community Solutions and Rebekah’s Children’s Services, which spent many, many hours in meetings and hearings advocating for the needs of South County residents.
Also, thanks to St. Joseph’s, the City of Gilroy’s Housing and Community Development Department, Silicon Valley Independent Living Center, Gilroy Public Library and the South County Mental Health Department office for impressing upon county officials the need for services here.
