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I don’t know who invented the phrase “summer vacation” but that person was clearly not a parent. There is no vacation when the kids are out of school. Oh sure, you might take a vacation—but let’s be honest. A trip to the woods to go camping with three small children and a large dog isn’t a vacation. It’s traveling to hell in a Suburban. Without running water or an actual bed.
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And even if you don’t go on a vacation, let’s be honest. The only people getting a break from their daily routines are the kids. The parents certainly aren’t. But after years of parenting, I have developed a Parental Summer Survival Guide.
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Accept the things you cannot change
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This is the most important parent commandment for summer. Look, for a couple of months, you will be unable to go to the bathroom by yourself. Now, you can get angry. You can be sad. You can just want someone, anyone to stand outside the door for two minutes instead of wandering in. But you need to accept this thing that cannot be changed. During summer, there is no bathroom alone time. It’s now bathroom party time with you, your children and various animals that may or may not belong to you. And whatever you do, check for lizards and pet mice before flushing.
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Use the phrase ‘I’m bored’ to your advantage
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This is possibly the worst thing your kids can say to you, other than when they are teenagers and the phrase “so that’s why the police are calling you …” is uttered over dinner. But when they are little, “I’m bored” can strike nearly as much terror into your heart.
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The best solution to this is to calmly hand the child a toilet brush, and tell said child to start scrubbing. I can personally guarantee this will cure their boredom. Nobody wants to clean the toilet after a little brother has been in the bathroom. Heck, you don’t even want to clean the toilet after that.
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Make a giant couch fort
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Yes, these make a mess. But they are lifesavers. When you have a couch fort, you get to hide in there and take a nap. Nobody questions a parent napping in the comfort of a couch fort. They always think you are pretending. You can nap in a couch fort all day. It’s awesome. You can even bring an actual book and read. Or watch “Real Housewives” on your phone.
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Be vigilant
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No matter where you are or what you are doing, don’t forget to randomly yell “be careful” or “car” every once in awhile. It keeps the kids on their toes and nobody knows you are really busy trying to beat your personal best score on Angry Birds.
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And remember, August is just a few months away. Before you know it, you’ll be in the bathroom all alone.
