While browsing the internet the other day and combing the aisles of local sporting goods stores, I’ve come to some conclusions about the modern day youth baseball bat. It’s expensive, and there must be a zillion models, all promising to jettison the ball over the fence while breaking the sound barrier or burn a hole in the defensive player’s glove.
Since its inception in 1973 the aluminum bat has come a long way. As the wood bat faded away on the amateur level, budget frenzied schools, leagues and parents relished the fact that they could now purchase a bat that wouldn’t break and would last longer. However, the names have gone overboard.
We’ve now got the Stealth, the Air Omaha, Laser, Magnum and the Aero Strobe. Are we sending our kids to the plate to hit or sending them off to war? And does the Stealth bat wait undetected in the players hand well below the strike zone and attack the ball without the pitcher knowing what in the world happened?
Then there’s the Havoc, the Asylum, and the Voodoo. Are these models for the kids a little out of control or will some sort of hex be thrown on the other team if they hit someone with a pitch? Is the Prodigy model only for kids on the honor roll?
Players are stepping to the plate with the Plasma, complete with liquid metal inside of it. Was that name thought up while watching an episode of ER? Are kids sitting in the dugout with more viles of liquid metal in case the bat loses it’s strength in the course of a game.
You also have the Catalyst, Raven, Deuce, Diablo, Rebel, Reflex and the new Exogrid which sounds like a relief medicine for acid reflux or indigestion. Who thinks up these names and what is there logic?
Softball has it’s share of names as well. They’ve got the Rocket, the Silencer, the Rockettech, Techfire and the Armour. Looks like the girls are going to the combat zone too, instead of the plate. Then there’s the Maniac, the Mayhem, Impulse and the Envy. If the boys have the Asylum, why not these for the girls! Did the person who wrote One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest come up with these names?
They’ve also got the Synergy, the Crusher, the Medusa, the Blur, the Dragon Fly and the Freak. Imagine that, the newest dance craze among teens being outlawed in schools was named after a bat!
Rumor has it that there are only so many hits in a bat before it goes flat. How’s that again? That must mean if my bat goes flat all my hits will come off the bat like a Nerf ball. Don’t I have the nitroglycerin model, though, so I can just insert another container and keep hitting.
Prices are another thing. Wow, the prices! With certain models creeping over $300 and some inching toward $400, I’m sure a leasing program will be installed shortly by the manufacturers. You can lease the bat for 24 months and after 2400 hits you can return it for an upgraded model. However, every extra hit over 2400 will cost you an additional 10 cents per hit.
Can’t you just imagine the conversation on this one? “Well, Mr. Smith, you’ve got over 2600 hits on this current bat so you’ll owe us more cash, and if the bats upside down in the appreciation value you’ll have to give us a bigger down payment to cover the cost of the over hits agreement and your current trade in.” What?!!
Whatever happened to that old Louisville Slugger wood bat that stung your hands on a cold night after you made contact but sounded sweet and could be heard around the park. These days, on the youth level, “Crack” has been replaced by “Ping”.
