Our late Indian summer is officially history, so find your
overcoat – it appears we’re in it for the duration. And may I just
add: WHAT global warming?
Our late Indian summer is officially history, so find your overcoat – it appears we’re in it for the duration. And may I just add: WHAT global warming?
Planted at the southern reaches of Santa Clara Valley, we who live in Morgan Hill sustain a certain quirk of geography. Meteorologically speaking, we suffer from what I scientifically term the “Whoosh Effect.” This is when all the cold breezes in the north swoop down the valley and land on us here in the south causing us to shiver in our Uggs, looking for warmth in something around 90-proof.
Adding to our misery, we are now bombarded with warnings of astronomical heating bills. But we won’t worry because the big power companies are dispensing advice about how to conserve energy this winter.
OK, call me paranoid, but isn’t that a little like asking the fox to guard the henhouse?
The utility folks announce on TV that for every degree we lower our thermostats, we’ll save 1% on our energy bills. This seems about as ludicrous as the cigarette company that offers to send us literature about how to stop smoking. Huh? How ’bout if they quit manufacturing cigarettes? THAT might work.
OK, I’ve strayed off track a bit, but since we’re all under the manipulative charms of the ad guys, I decided to develop a few of my own cold weather strategies in the interest of public service.
Happily, I’ve come up with a few innovative alternatives for keeping warm this winter that won’t require taking out a second mortgage payable to the utility company. When your gas bill approaches federal spending limits this winter, give one of these a whirl:
Break up the furniture and use it for firewood. The couch and coffee table can be replaced for a fraction of the cost of natural gas. And the headboard on your king-sized bed will burn for days.
Get into your car and drive around with your heater turned on full blast. By the time your core temperature reaches melt down, your cold house will feel pretty good. Warning: Consider consulting a math guru to ascertain how many hours you can drive your car before the cost of gasoline exceeds the cost of home heating fuel.
Leave all the doors and windows open in your house. Walk around in your bathing suit. Pant rapidly and mentally take yourself to your happy place. Bond with the fog in your living room. This is known as the Lamaze method of self-heating.
Buy some large dogs. Place them on the bed for a literal fur throw and burrow under them. You’ve heard of Three Dog Night?
Go for eight or 10 dog nights, guaranteed to keep you cozy. And think how warm you’ll be as you shovel all the “you-know-what” out of the backyard.
A variation of No. 4 above: Living Fur as Fashion. Find a wiener dog and drape him around your shoulders. Train him to grasp his hindquarters in his teeth a la Grandma’s funky fur stoles.
Take a page out of the Polar Bear Club’s play book and explore “Extreme Camping.” Live outside this winter. Pitch a tent in the backyard, forage for food, shave with an axe. By spring you’ll be used to the cold. Or dead.
By incorporating one or more of these handy hints into your regime, you’ll breeze right through winter without signing over your first born to pay your power bill.
As for me, I’m hoping for a boatload of those awesome hot flashes.
