You can
’t play.” More than a decade before the press “Queen Bees and
Wannabes” received, Vivian Gussey Paley, a kindergarten teacher for
more than 30 years, observed that of all childhood experiences, the
most damaging and long-lasting is being excluded from one’s
peers.
You can’t play.” More than a decade before the press “Queen Bees and Wannabes” received, Vivian Gussey Paley, a kindergarten teacher for more than 30 years, observed that of all childhood experiences, the most damaging and long-lasting is being excluded from one’s peers. So, Paley instituted a rule at her elementary school for all students, from kindergarten through sixth grade” you can’t say “you can’t play.” It’s a rule all schools should have, she says. And since I read the book in 1993, I have agreed.
Paley, a MacArthur Fellow couldn’t say what indicates or who designates a particular child as “the boss.” Some children are just leaders and are not shy about directing the play of others. Some just have those unnamed qualities that attract other children to them, and the desire to be in the company of that child motivates the other to follow whatever he or she says.
Then there are those who are the ones who are rejected by the bosses. And after a child is rejected once or twice by a another group, a particular dynamic emerges, Paley noticed, that carries on year after year, in which one group does the excluding, and the same unfortunate kids are excluded. The excluded kids become hurt, confused and sometimes angry, leading them to be whiny and sometimes needy, making them more unattractive as friends.
She explained her approach very simply “You can’t say you can’t play. If another child approaches you and wants to play, you must include him. If you are playing a game that has only two players and the other child will make a third player, then you have to switch your game to accommodate the new player.” So, armed with her trademark microphone and tape recorder, Paley interviewed group after group of children, from kindergarten to sixth grade after implementing her rule. What she found was incredibly interesting. The “boss” children resisted the change, at first. The children who followed them in excluding the other children felt great relief. It turns out they had wanted to include the others in play, but were afraid of being rejected by the boss, and so went along. Now, with the rule in place, they were happy to include everyone. And the excluded kids finally were included. It didn’t seem to matter that sometimes the role chosen for them was not as involved as the others. They were part of the group. They became less whiny, and even came forward with new ideas for games that were embraced by the others. This was exhibited across all the grade levels.
Once the bosses realized that they could do anything but exclude, Paley noticed the development and exercise of leadership skills to include those who were not ordinarily included. Having to figure out a way to include others who haven’t been allowed to participate, but want to, is something many adults still need to learn.
There are many reasons children exclude other children. The most commonly perceived reason is that the kids excluding are just cruel. But that’s not always the case. There might be something about a child that the others find uncomfortable. Or, the children perceive that the child they’re excluding doesn’t play fair.
However, that is all the more reason to have the rule. It helps the teacher become better at guiding students in navigating the social issues for children at school. With the rule in place, the teacher doesn’t have to try to figure out how to motivate “the boss” from excluding other children. There doesn’t have to be a discussion of how to play nice, or, worse, simply order them to play with the child they are excluding, or worse still, tell the excluded child to go find someone nicer to play with. The problem is simply one of how to help the kids fit everyone in. The teacher is able to listen to what is the problem, how to support all of the kids, and when necessary, intervene if a larger issue is indicated.
As everyone questions why school shootings happen, instead, I’d rather they talked about what could prevent them in the first place, and very early. And, there has been discussion lately at schools about “character curriculum.” One simple book and one simple rule would provide enough – and may be even better – character instruction than anything you can buy off the shelf. I encourage teachers and administrators to give it a read, and then to give it a try.
Columnist Dina Campeau is a wife, mother of two teens and a resident of Morgan Hill. Her work for the last seven years has focused on affordable housing and homeless issues in Santa Clara County. Reach her at dc******@*****er.net
