You’ll be pleased to know that today as a public service I am revealing some sure-fire wedding coordinating tips I have recently acquired via the successful marriage of our last-born daughter. By “successful” I am referring to a ceremony that neither offends nor disgraces either family%to the point that relatives go to blows on the dance floor and that none of the wedding party’s clothing falls off, catches fire, nor is featured on next month’s cover of “Motorcycle Digest: The Hell’s Angels Edition.” Starting in no particular order, I will nevertheless begin with a stern:
Warning: Outdoor weddings are frequently accessorized by outdoor wildlife. Should your bride-to-be decide that the only way to avoid a life-long association with a qualified (Motto: “I cost boatloads of money”) therapist is to say her vows while bonding with nature, understand that open-air elements are not necessarily attuned to your perception of a picture perfect wedding.
Setting that caveat aside for now, the first order of business when your children announce, “I’m engaged,” is to immediately surrender hundreds of thousands of dollars to total strangers. I don’t care if the wedding reception is a backyard barbecue; soon you will be senselessly writing checks to everyone within a three-mile radius. Hotdogs will escalate to $47 a pound and you’ll be forced to import potato chips from Rhodesia because there has been an unfortunate strike of U.S. snack food workers.
In addition, I advise that you start wedding planning early – such as when you bring your baby girl home from the hospital. Now I don’t mean to imply that all weddings take the 16 months of preparation time that we had – about double that amount should be sufficient because trust me – weddings are on a par with state dinners in terms of details. If you believe you can sit down at your kitchen table, draw up a seating chart, knock out a list or two and be done – you are in major need of a wake-up call. Weddings demand an actual War Room, its walls papered with large charts and graphs containing scores of stick pins. Plan to install a dozen telephones, a couple of computers, an overhead projector and a fax machine. Find out whether you can enlist the aid of an assistant such as the head secretary at General Motors.Â
Keep in mind as the date approaches that there are certain mundane household duties that shouldn’t be ignored. Laundry for example. There’s nothing worse than sitting in your specially reserved seats at the wedding ceremony, looking like a perfectly normal family, except that no one is wearing any underwear because you forgot to do the wash. Not that it happened to us but – trust me – it was touch and go there for awhile.
If you are traveling any distance to get to the wedding, pack meticulously unless you enjoy the excitement of getting up on the morning of the wedding to lay out your Mother of the Bride attire and discovering that you only brought one of your good shoes. This necessitates an emergency trip to an unfamiliar mall where the only decent shoes in sight are for next season except one passable pair on the clearance rack that are only off by a couple of sizes. Despite your sore feet, imagine your thrill the day after the wedding when you discover the missing shoe in a perfectly logical place – your camera bag.
One note of caution: future brides pick adorable, fun-loving girlfriends to attend them on their special day. This is when you lose all semblance of control. Since part of the attendants’ duties is to entertain and calm the bride, it follows that on the morning of the wedding, a delightful, dark-haired bridesmaid will decide to entertain the troops by tossing bits of buttery croissant to a rather brazen seagull as the bride and other attendants observe these antics while relaxing on the deck of the bridal suite high above the ocean. And when the subject bridesmaid at last earns the trust – or dare I say love – of the subject seagull, the hilarity soars when the bird eventually accepts morsels directly from her teeth.
Finally the appointed hour arrives, and the handsome groom stands before the assembled group waiting for the first glimpse of his bride as she begins her ascent down the flower-strewn path toward the sea. Be assured that a certain lovesick seagull is relentlessly searching for the generous little bridesmaid who packed his tummy with croissant this morning, and that this tummy is even now preparing to make room for more contraband as he swoops downward toward the gathering below. And as the beaming bride stands with her parents on either arm, be eternally grateful for the noble wedding coordinator who, at that precise moment, bends and extends her own body out over the bridal gown to straighten the train just as the seagull, still in search of his benefactress, suddenly lets go – covering the heroic coordinator and her assistant with an extra large deposit of bird substance while the bride – apparently in her own protective bridal bubble – proceeds joyously untouched down the aisle with her parents, all three completely unaware of what has just taken place directly behind them.
So if the words “I’m engaged,” soon ring out at your house, rejoice in understanding that you, too, will soon be capable of running small countries with the know-how you’ll gain through this one-of-a-kind experience. And if, after lengthy negotiations, you still opt for an outdoor wedding? Be sure to carry a large umbrella.
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at
Ga*********@ao*.com
.
