I
’ve been liberated from my infectious tonsils for four weeks
now. I’m sure all of my loyal readers have been sick with worry for
the past month, staying awake at night wondering how my recovery
went. So I’ve decided to put you all at ease and end those
sleepless nights.
I’ve been liberated from my infectious tonsils for four weeks now. I’m sure all of my loyal readers have been sick with worry for the past month, staying awake at night wondering how my recovery went. So I’ve decided to put you all at ease and end those sleepless nights.
Well, for starters, the whole starvation thing began a little bit earlier then expected because I spent the whole night before my surgery making my room tonsillectomy-friendly and forgot to eat until it was too late. (I was told not to eat anything after midnight for fear the food might make a guest appearance during the surgery.) So, my tummy got a head start on the fierce hunger pains that were to come.
The morning of The Big Day, I put on the Tonsillectomy Outfit I had picked out the night before (plaid pajama pants and a coordinating gray tank top) and spent some time applying just the right amount of make up to achieve that “going to the hospital look.” Then it was time to walk to the car. Actually it was more of my mom dragging me with both arms as my knees trembled with overwhelming fear, but no one needs to know that.
During what seemed to be the longest ride of my life, I felt as though there was no need for an anesthesiologist because my nerves were already bringing me to the point of passing out. While praying for a flat tire I received a text message from a friend telling me to be brave and that I would definitely be okay. So I took a deep breath and decided to try out that whole “being brave thing.” Five minutes later I started praying for a flat tire again.
My mom’s best friend Linda went with us and we then met up with my friend Leah who was in the waiting room. I suggested we ditch the whole tonsillectomy idea and head for the mall, but unfortunately there were no takers. I guess I was the only one in the mood to shop.
Then, as we sat there, a tall blonde nurse came out and said those fatal words. “Christina, please come this way.” I walked into a rather bland room filled with empty hospital beds and wished the place I was to spend my last moments of life could’ve at least been decorated a little bit better.
The nurse then put two wrist bracelets on me. They were quite lovely and I even questioned perhaps saving them for prom thinking they’d be just the extra touch I need to add to my hot pink ball gown.
To make matters far worse, they made me change out of my perfect Tonsillectomy Outfit and into the most heinous blue gown I’ve ever seen. I was sure the fashion police were on their way to cite me for the incredible violation I was forced to commit. You would think that since I had to die in this gown, they’d have Gucci design it, or at least Jaclyn Smith.
I’m sorry to inform you that it was at this time that I snapped. I began hyperventilating and the anesthesiologist was called in to give me some sort of relaxant due to my “extreme nervousness.” Whatever this wondrous substance was it immediately prompted me to tell my mom, Linda, and Leah how much I love them.
The blonde nurse told me that on The Other Side (the recovery room) the drugs were even better and not to hesitate about informing the nurses of my pain.
As I was wheeled to the surgery room, I am told I had a tremendous smile on my face, and my last words were concerning whether my eyelashes were curled enough. I should insert here, for those of you unfamiliar with my obsession, that I LOVE to curl my eyelashes. And I find the eyelash curler to be the greatest gift to humanity (well that, and Ben & Jerry’s) since The Beatles. So apparently, before going off to my surgery, my main worry was the state of my eyelashes. If you think I’m not still being teased about this, you’re wrong. I’m afraid it will be part of the dinnertime conversation for several years to come.
I then spotted the Doc (Doctor Z) looking rather rested, charming, and happy. Obviously he wasn’t the one about to get his throat lasered. He popped a few jokes then told me the surgery would be done with “tender loving care.” This is when I was placed onto another bed. I wish I could tell you what happened after that but … I can’t remember. It seems as though I’m a lightweight because the relaxant medicine knocked me out before I even got a chance to breathe in the bubblegum flavored gas and count to ten. I’m still a little upset that I was deprived of the experience.
When I woke up I was on The Other Side and I was incredibly happy. I kept repeating “Mom, I’m so lucky.” (Not the response you think you’d hear from a girl whose about to have the worst sore throat of her life, huh?) And I asked to see several cute boys and even Linda and Leah. I was only too eager to inform all who were near how much I loved them – passing doctors, nurses, custodians – all were subject to my extreme adoration. I even asked Doctor Z if he would marry my mother, but unfortunately he informed me that he was already married.
I went to sleep for a while and was then woken up to go home. As they made me sit up to get dressed an incredible wave of nausea washed over me. (This was the beginning of 48 hours of nonstop nausea, caused by a reaction to the general anesthesia.) At this time I was also becoming very aware of tremendous PAIN in my throat. The fun times were now over.
When I got home it was time for my first dose of pain medication but when looking at the giant horse pills I was expected to swallow I began shaking and started to cry. This was too much for my friend Leah to handle and she immediately grabbed her keys and headed to Bath and Body works in search of an emergency set of lotions to soothe me. Forget dialing 9-1-1, Leah knows the real way to handle an emergency.
My loyal friend Greg arrived at this time and I soon started seeing the amazing doctor within him. He was completely unfazed by my “barf bucket”, and managed to visit me at least once a day during the two weeks. He would sit next to me as I lay lifelessly and would find different ways to entertain me. He seemed unaffected by my unmade-up face and hideous breath. While all my other friends would be too shocked and afraid to enter my room, he would be right in the thick of things. He even let me take credit for the snacks he ate so my mom would think I was eating.
After three days, my mom couldn’t take it anymore and went gratefully back to work. Twenty first graders are no match for me when I’m sick. Doctor Z told me to be sure to take enough pain medication to control the pain, but my mom worried about me taking too much when she wasn’t around. She finally convinced me to cut down after I answered the door wearing nothing but a tank top and underwear. In my drug-induced state I was pretty calm about it, but my mom was mortified. Actually I think it freaked out my friend Rob too, since he was just coming by to bring me a milkshake. Sorry, Rob.
Some of my friends were rather fascinated by my tonsillectomy and would shine flashlights down my throat in awe. I myself failed to see the attraction. Swollen glands covered in white crusty stuff aren’t too appealing to me. I’m just different, I guess.
My 18th birthday wasn’t bad at all. Other than the fact that I had more pain than ever before, it was a pretty decent day. I didn’t get to go to the beach but my cake had palm trees and an ocean on it. That’s a nice consolation, I think. And … I discovered the best weight loss plan to be a tonsillectomy. I’m telling you, don’t waste your time or money buying those Weight Watchers meals or Slimfast bars. Just go to your doctor and request a tonsillectomy instead. It works. Even during the sickest times I managed to find enough strength to try on those size one jeans that never fit quite right before.
I still have pain when I sneeze and yawn but this is normal and should go away soon. I already feel better and have more energy. And my tonsils, you ask? I’m not sorry to say I don’t miss those infectious fellas a bit. And the whole ordeal was actually quite an adventure. The only problem is, what else can I have removed next time I want to shed a few pounds?
