Thinking about long marriages

On the occasion of my 25th wedding anniversary a few years ago, it dawned on me that I had been married to my husband for fully half my life. That realization floored me. My life as a carefree child and teenager seemed to stretch for eons, while our marriage still seemed so new. The year we married, 1982, the U.S. divorce rate was about 50 percent. According to Wikipedia, the current divorce rate is now about 53 percent.
Thinking back on all the many dozens of seniors who have attended Live Oak Adult Day Services over the years, it seems like everyone had experienced long-term marriages. Sure, we had the sporadic Romeo who had burned through three or four wives, but the usual scenario has been one marriage, often begun at a fairly young age, and quite lasting. One of our volunteers had known her husband for 75 years before he passed away. I wondered how that generation was able to sustain such long relationships, while the years since then have proven challenging to so many.
Inez told me that she was married to Rob for 60 years, and it thrived because they were opposites. “I was bossy and he was nice,” she says with a grin. She thinks the same system can work nowadays, saying, “all my daughters are bossy, too, and they married nice guys.” Lance says that he and his wife have been married for so long that he can’t remember the exact year they wed, but they only knew each other a short time. He says, “I took one look at her and knew she was the one.” They talk a lot, and he thinks that’s key. George seconded that, saying, “No one can read minds. You have to tell your spouse what’s on your mind and ask what’s on her mind. Dialogue is crucial to a happy marriage, and I’ve been married 47 years.” The ladies sitting nearby weighed in, stressing the importance of commitment. They feel too many people these days go into marriage thinking, “I’ll see how it goes,” when they should be in it for the long haul. “You have to be able to just put up with each other sometimes and not expect perfection.”
I was still struggling to put the pieces together, when one of our seniors, Brad, told me, “The longer you’re married, the more you need that person.” That pretty much says it all. As I perused the Valentine’s Day cards on the rack recently, I knew I wouldn’t find one that says it better.
Cheryl Huguenor is the program director at Live Oak Adult Day Services, 651 W. Sixth St. #2, Gilroy.  For more information about Live Oak call (408) 847-5491 or go to liveoakadultdaycare.org