At some point in our lives we’ve ventured into a local sporting
goods store to purchase something for our kids, whether it be to
wear, kick, shoot or hit something. Or quite possibly, to just get
away from our kids!
At some point in our lives we’ve ventured into a local sporting goods store to purchase something for our kids, whether it be to wear, kick, shoot or hit something. Or quite possibly, to just get away from our kids!
We might have even bought a gas powered airplane so we could spend a leisurely Sunday at the park retrieving it as it smashed into some guys backyard. In retrospect, that $199 we shelved out on aeronautics was not well spent since most future aviators can’t figure out the flying directions until the plane is broken.
Most of the time, though, we’re buying things at the last moment because we discovered what the team colors are the day before the first game, we’ve gotten the wrong size soccer ball or we learned that you can’t wear baseball cleats on a basketball court.
In a recent quest for a significant amount of equipment and apparel to outfit different siblings in my family, I felt I was on a safari into the unknown. Shirts for hot weather, cold weather, rain, sleet, ice, droughts or sliding pants for Astroturf or grass fields had me baffled.
Believe me, some of the things I uncovered and discovered left me laughing and curious as to what would pop up at the next corner. Our world has become so intricate that you can’t even enjoy putting a few balls because each putter looks like it was designed by a rocket scientist who’s never been on a golf course in his life.
Walking into the baseball and softball section left me bewildered because it seems you can purchase over a thousand things you’ll use only once and then send it to the discard pile in your garage or shed. There for the taking is Dr. Glove, Hot Glove Treatment and a lacing kit. I guess if the glove was as hard as a brick the Hot Glove Treatment would lessen the chance for an error.
And, how many of you are good at lacing a glove? Oh sure, it looks easy enough at the start but once your glove looks like a leather jacket instead of a glove, you’ve realized that something went alarmingly wrong.
It will be back to the store to buy a new glove, and while you’re there you could pick up a few extra things like bat tape, a rosin bag, a pine tar stick, leather grips, a power pad, Tuff Toe, or a glove mate which guarantees no sting when the ball arrives in the mitt.
I don’t think anyone has ever purchased any of these things but Sammy Salesman will tell you that you should get it because it will help your kid get to the big leagues. Obviously, he was told to say that at the sporting goods training seminar he attended even though he has no clue as to what a power pad actually does.
My favorites at the sporting goods store, however, are the warning labels put on various products to protect our children. And you know these labels were put on the packaging because someplace, somewhere, some non- Phi Beta Kappa did something stupid to warrant this.
Picking up a dart board with safe tips I noticed the label said, WARNING adult supervision required. Ya think! I can just see the dog with darts on his forehead or the cat trebling in a corner while being pelted from a group a five-year-olds at a birthday party.
Pool cue tips came with a cancer warning and in addition said that they may cause birth defects. So much for venturing out to the local pool hall, and I surmise that no women of child bearing age should be playing on the professional circuit.
Plastic golf balls, as we’re advised with another warning, should only be played in the “safety zone” and only outside. O.K. but where is the safety zone and what child isn’t going to tee it up indoors and carom his or her drive off the lamp.
Lacrosse sticks come with a warning label that says the stick should avoid contact with the head. Are you kidding me? Have you ever watched a lacrosse game? You and I both know the first place a lacrosse ball is going to kong someone is the head, followed by the stick, followed by a trip to the emergency room.
A Sponge Bob flying disk warns kids to keep it away from electrical wires and use it only outdoors. You mean my kids can’t play Frisbee near a telephone pole? Makes you wonder what young flamethrower could even throw it that high and did he actually climb the pole to retrieve it.
“Heely’s can be dangerous” reads the warning on the box. Once again, ya think! Must explain why the manager at any indoor mall cringes at the sight of kids in these shoes, knowing that it’s just an accident waiting to happen. It was quite amusing, though, to watch a youngster in a Yankee Candle store lose his balance, thereby knocking the cedar scented candle into the chocolate one.
But the classic warning label I found came on a batting helmet. It read that severe brain damage or head injury may occur despite wearing this product. What? I thought the main reason to wear a helmet was to protect against that very thing.
That changes things for me. My kid will now be wearing an astronaut helmet, complete with an air hose and Gatorade attachment, provided no warning label has found either of them to be harmful.
Rich Taylor has been coaching youth sports for over 25 years, is the co-director of the ACE arm strengthening program and is a scout for the New York Mets. He can be reached at
rj********@***oo.com.
