Today an important question: Do you know what time it is? Yes,
my fellow Americans, April 15, or the annual
”
Really Appalling Tax Send-off
”
(a.k.a. RATS), is less than a week away.
Today an important question: Do you know what time it is? Yes, my fellow Americans, April 15, or the annual “Really Appalling Tax Send-off” (a.k.a. RATS), is less than a week away. I know how excited we all are to do our democratic duty by sending the IRS all of our money plus an unlimited credit line on our favorite bank cards.
Now, I know you must be thinking, “RATS may be good for those fortunate people who have mega tax deductions, but where does that leave the rest of us poor losers?” And you would be correct. Deductions are marvelous entities that whittle away at the bottom line of what we owe Uncle Sam at the end of the year. For example, if you were previous NASA employee and astronaut Lisa (motto: Why Not?) Nowak, you would have many interesting business deductions such as extra-absorbent adult space diapers.
Others of us, though, have to stick to mundane deductions such as kids. This strikes me as grossly unfair. Just because kids grow up and fly the coop doesn’t elevate us to champagne and caviar status so why do we automatically lose our tax deduction once they move out? The aftermath of child-rearing, like Hurricane Katrina, leaves major financial devastation in its wake. In my opinion, giving birth and raising babies to adulthood should grant tax-payers major deductions for life. I mean, we didn’t pay for all that dental work with pocket change, you know. And if I ever run for president you can be darn sure this premise will be my platform. I think parents should get a deduction of approximately $1 million per year for life. And thank you in advance for your vote.
Sometimes we try to replace our grown-up kids and lost deductions with four-legged children such as dogs. This is another example of items just crying out for deductions. When it costs more to groom my dog in a year than I spend on myself, I say that there is something dreadfully wrong with this picture. The same goes with a dog’s teeth and general health as you already know if you’ve ever had this conversation with your veterinarian: “Your dog has tartar.” “Yes and so do I. We’re all just learning to cope with it.” OK, it’s important to keep our pets up-to-date on shots and annual check-ups; and regularly cleaning their little pearly whites equates to a healthier and happier dog, but still. If these expenses were deductions, canine teeth would be so sparkling white they would practically glow in the dark.
If you can’t come up with any actual deductions, your last hope of surviving the RATS relatively unscathed is an important – and legal – tax item known as the “Loophole.” This gets tricky because if you’ve ever tried to locate a “Loophole” by actually reading any portion of the Tax Code, you’ll understand why politicians never respond to a direct question with a direct answer. As soon as a person is elected to Congress, he or she is spirited off to a secret location and forced to read the Tax Code, which you may remember, was inexplicably created by Congress and is a document containing more pages than the latest Donald Trump financial statement. Not only is the Tax Code excruciatingly long, it is completely unfathomable. When the junior Congressperson finally reappears sporting an unfortunate new eye twitch, his or her utterances consist of random strings of words, which tend to veer significantly off the subject because – God forbid – someone may ask for a clarification of the Tax Code. So you probably shouldn’t count on deciphering the Tax Code to locate the coveted “Loophole.”
Surprisingly, some people don’t have any trouble interpreting the Tax Code and the accompanying forms that allow us to send the government all of our money such as the individuals who recently solved the ancient math problem for example, and I bet the IRS could learn a thing or two from them. (IRS Agent: “This is Mr. Pencilneck calling; we have a problem with your tax form XPZZZ4%%BRAINDEAD123, Revision 71.” Math Person: “Do you know who I am, you imbecile? I am one of the ancient math problem solvers. Drop dead!” IRS Agent: “Eeeeeeeek!”
My spouse is another individual who navigates the murky waters of tax returns with apparent ease. On two separate occasions we received the dreaded IRS missive containing “questions” about certain items on our return. Both times my brilliant (at least at tax time) spouse proved to be correct, and on one occasion even went so far as brazenly informing the IRS that they owed him more money elevating him to big shot tax payer status. Living with the King of Taxes isn’t easy, people. I mean, the IRS practically sends the man flowers on his birthday. Whenever I find myself getting sassy, he reminds me to, “Watch it, Gale; I’m a math person, and you’re not.” “Yes, dear,” I murmur in a humble June Cleaver manner.
I sense, however, that we view the IRS in too negative a light. Perhaps we should come up with something the IRS could do that we would feel excited about and cultivate some warm, fuzzy feelings for these government workers. For example, the IRS is unsurpassed in finding people who attempt to evade paying their income taxes. They even find dead people and mail threatening letters to them because the deceased haven’t paid taxes since passing on. So let’s get the IRS to find Osama bin Laden. All we have to do is alert them to the fact that Osama has never submitted a tax return and – Voila!
It would go a long way in making us feel a lot happier when we have to deal with those big old RATS.
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at Ga*********@ao*.com.
