As if global warming, nuclear proliferation and Britney Spears haven’t been enough to keep experts busy, researchers out of Princeton have discovered astounding news: Men are happier than women. Well, Big Duh! Seems to me that a much less august group than Princeton University researchers could have figured that out for the price of a latte by hanging out at Starbucks and eavesdropping on a table full of gal pals. We don’t need no stinking study! And at the risk of raining on this pleasure parade, how does one accurately measure happiness for goodness sake?
Yet Alan Krueger, a Princeton economist, analyzed “time-use studies” over the past 40 years, which determined – and I wish I was making this up – that since the 1960s, men have cut back on activities they find unpleasant or, in other words, they are working less and relaxing more. Now if you are a male, these might sound like fighting words to you, but hey! – I’m just the messenger. Furthermore, I think I know the source of the problem here and – ladies: It’s our own darned fault.
Sometime in the 1970s we girls decided we needed to get out more. This ultimately led to legions of women entering the work force, and I think we took a wrong turn somewhere because feeling unsatisfied at home didn’t necessarily translate into utter fulfillment as we sat in rush hour traffic and sought equality at the office. So at the risk of sounding un-feministic, I believe our happiness quotient began to take a nosedive about the time we set out to accomplish it all.
And by “all” I mean family plus a career outside the home, the only problem being that we later found that “family” is, in itself, a full-time career. Somebody forgot to mention that our obligations at home weren’t lessened because we worked an eight-hour day (and by eight hours I really mean 10-plus; you can’t just twitch your nose and land bottom first in your swivel office chair for heaven’s sake. You have to commute, woman!)Â
One big hang-up to female happiness is what I call Mommy Mayhem. No wonder guys are happy! Do they ever try to escape to the bathroom for five minutes as a 3-year-old stands on the other side of the door twisting the knob for all it’s worth, hollering “MommyMommyMommyMommyMommyMomm … ” 47,462 times? Naw, I didn’t think so. And, unfortunately, when we hear the “Mommy Call,” there’s nothing to do but rapidly conclude our business and exasperatingly throw open the bathroom door.
“Whaaaaaaat????” we gasp at our young offspring with the last iota of patience we can muster. “Ummm … I forgot,” is the inevitable reply.
And if the kids are in school, it isn’t any easier. How about a stressful day at work followed by a mandatory meeting with Junior’s third-grade teacher? (“I’m terribly sorry,” reports Miss Chalkdust in her most sincere manner, “but I’m afraid Lionel may need some guidance at home regarding his, er, “entrepreneurial” endeavors here at school. It’s come to my attention that he is selling his potato chips to kindergartners at recess and he’s charging rates that are clearly usurious.” This news makes Dad happy: “That’s my boy!” he thinks proudly. Mom, on the other hand, searches the bottom of her purse for a Valium.)Â
Although they work hard at the office all day, most women are expected to put a balanced meal on the table each evening. Tragically, Mom arrives home only to discover she’s forgotten to take the meat out of the freezer. Rushing about the kitchen with a pork chop under each arm, praying for a quick thaw, she encounters a dog that needs feeding, a litter box that needs changing, plants that need watering, two kids with homework issues that require her old brain to figure out new math, and a husband on the sofa with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other, happily engrossed in Monday night football. Now – you don’t have to be a Princeton scholar or even smarter than a fifth grader to determine if the man or the woman is happier in that scenario.
Then there are the inequities of daily grooming necessities. The man shaves, hops in the shower, gives his hair a quick tossle, makes a couple of easy wardrobe decisions and he’s good to go. Women, on the other hand, have a much more intense getting-ready ritual. If she’s able to capture a few spare minutes in the shower, such as at 3am when the kids are asleep, she must shampoo, condition, cleanse and masque, and then balance on one foot like a flamingo in a slippery shower while she shaves her legs because shaving is clearly not an option, people. I have a friend who, if she skips even one day of shaving, can scrape the paint off a Cadillac if her bare leg so much as brushes the fender.
Sadly, not only are women’s grooming techniques much more laborious, how many men have to worry about smiling with lipstick on their teeth, pantyhose with a crotch that ends somewhere around the knees or getting the hem of their dress stuck in the waistband of their underwear after a trip to the restroom? Men are happy because they can throw on a pair of old jeans and a loud Hawaiian shirt and feel dressed to perfection. Furthermore, how many guys have fretted about going to a class reunion and finding that their skin is more wrinkled than the former head cheerleader’s who spent her entire post-high school life basting in the sun and tossing back three martini lunches accompanied by a two-pack- a-day habit?
So the happiness study is a no-brainer, friends, and that’s OK because I’m an optimist about this happiness business. Yes, sir, I believe that someday the playing field will be leveled and women are going to be every bit as happy as men. Just as soon as men start shaving their legs.
Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill 24 years. Reach her at Ga*********@ao*.com.
