My English assignment last week was to observe the behaviors of
the opposite sex, especially in regard to how they attract their
mates, and then I was to write an essay based upon my
observations.
My English assignment last week was to observe the behaviors of the opposite sex, especially in regard to how they attract their mates, and then I was to write an essay based upon my observations.
It is my keen, lifelong observation that the male of the species feels the strong need to act somewhat foolishly in order to attract someone of the female species. But … before all you males out there put the paper down and curse me for my cruel, feminist writing, I also found, while doing research, that females are usually making fools of themselves right along with you males. This observation has brought my attention to a strong parallel of similar behavior from all the species in the animal kingdom.
In order to perform my observational study, (apart from dating and having serious friendships with the male species) I went to a toga party at my “Big Brother’s” fraternity house. While there, surrounded by several males, I gained insight into the mating rituals of the male.
For my first example, I will present Jeff*, who felt it necessary to don a massive blonde Afro wig in order to attract the females. During the course of the night, Jeff* felt the need to wink and shout at all the ladies who happened to pass by. (Just in case they couldn’t already see his fluorescent Afro wig from a fifty-mile radius.)
He also tended to push everyone out of the center of the dance floor in order to demonstrate his favorite move, “the whale.” For Jeff*, this behavior seems to work marvelously, because, by the end of the night, several girls had asked my “Big Bro,” exactly which floor Jeff’s* room was located on.
Jeff’s* displays for love reminded me of the peacocks’ efforts to win their female peacocks. The male birds use their elaborate feathers to impress the girls. The male peacock actually grows his tail in the spring, for the sole purpose of attracting females. The male with the most glamorous tail is usually the one who goes home with a lovely peahen on his arm.
It seems that since Jeff* has no gorgeous plumage to flaunt for the ladies, he instead makes up for it with Afro wigs and elaborate dance moves.
Another example I observed at the party was the method in which the bouncer at the front gate operated. As I walked up, I noticed a rather large group of discouraged and disappointed toga-wearing males standing around outside the gate. The moment I walked into the party, I was aware of something very unusual. The female/male ratio was clearly 10 to 1.
It seems that the males from this fraternity have wised up, and they now use their basic math skills to their definite advantage. With fewer guys around, it brings less competition, which makes the event of a female giving in to the Afro-wearing, breakdancing male much more likely. Apparently, males don’t like to flaunt their plumage in view of other males.
At one point during the night, several females were drawn to a young male wearing a choo-choo train toga, whose voice was increasingly rising as he told a funny story about the bugs infesting the frat house. As if it was a mating call, females quickly surrounded him, eager to hear more. I too, couldn’t resist the strong force field pulling me toward the storyteller. The interesting thing was, the story wasn’t even funny, yet we were all riveted to the spot.
This situation reminded me of the mating ritual of the male Swampland Panther. The male emerges from the swamps and takes a position on a nearby hill, or if no hill is in sight, the highest point within a mile of the swampland home. (This is so he is in full view of all the females and so they can see his coat shine in the sun.)
Then the male begins making a clicking noise by smacking his jawbones together. Soon after the clicking has started, a female emerges from the swampland, attracted by the enticing clicking sound made by the male. The female panther will join in with the clicking, and the ritual can go on for hours. Do you see the incredible parallels?
As my friends and I walked around the house, we noticed that the same group of three guys would always be a few feet behind us. We walked over to the barbecue; they walked over to the barbecue. We walked to the dance floor; they walked to the dance floor. We walked to the bathrooms, they walked to the bathrooms…. and so it went for over an hour.
Finally, the boys decided to end the madness and approach us. They introduced themselves and struck up conversations, probably out of fear of receiving a restraining order in the near future.
The zooplankton also enjoys stalking the female zooplankton. In fact, research has shown that zooplankton actively seek out their mates. The study concluded that both the male and the female swim at a normal speed of about 10 millimeters a second. But…when the male crosses the track where a female has just swam, he changes his course entirely, following in her tracks, accelerating to speeds of 30 to 40 millimeters a second just to catch up with her.
Since the night was winding down, the girls and I decided to head home. As we walked out the backyard of the house, we noticed several males lined up facing the fence. Suddenly, we were surrounded by sounds resembling Niagara Falls. Not only were the males relieving themselves in plain view, they also felt it necessary to brag about who had the most impressive aim. They then engaged in a squirting contest amongst each other.
I can only hope that this display was a strong misconception evolved from the mating ritual of the male European Hare, who sprays urine at the female in order to attract her. If the female hare is not interested, she will box his ears until he retreats. I really can’t say I blame her. In fact, similar events were taking place at the frat party. Urine is not a perfume females find inviting. I’ll lay that on the table right now.
Although my assignment didn’t include watching females, I did discover an interesting parallel. When a female desert spider is feeling “in the mood”, she’ll secrete a pheromone scent that drives the male spiders crazy. Female grizzly bears leave a scented trail for wandering males to follow. This scented trail is usually what leads male grizzlies to their females. Angel, by Victoria Secret, anyone?
Honestly, the males really do have to do most of the work when it comes to courting females. At the most, all we girls do is spray perfume on ourselves and stand around looking cute. So next time your “wanna-be” honey comes courting, flaunting his plumage, clicking his jawbone, and squirting urine at you, cut him some slack and realize that he has the hard part. Winning a girl’s heart is never easy.
