On our youth soccer fields, in basketball gymnasiums and on our
football fields, there
’s a problem that we, as individuals and organizations in the
South Valley, need to address: negativity and unwarranted anger.
It’s not being displayed by the young athletes in the heat of
competition, but by the supposedly mature parents who are sending a
very harmful message to the children pl
aying the game.
On our youth soccer fields, in basketball gymnasiums and on our football fields, there’s a problem that we, as individuals and organizations in the South Valley, need to address: negativity and unwarranted anger. It’s not being displayed by the young athletes in the heat of competition, but by the supposedly mature parents who are sending a very harmful message to the children playing the game.
The problem has gotten so bad that there are monikers for sideline screamers: “yelldads and yellmoms.” Are you one?
It is easy for positive, enthusiastic support to cross over into a succeed-at-all-costs mentality. Many parents probably aren’t even aware that they are crossing the line, that their desire to see their child perform well is getting the better of them.
According to the Positive Coaching Alliance, in successful relationships positive interactions outnumber negative interactions by a factor of at least 5:1. “When positive and negative interactions approach a 1:1 ratio, the relationship is doomed.”
Parents: wonder why your player enjoys himself immensely in practice but seems to be immobilized during the game? Nine times out of 10 it’s because she’s receiving the inverse of the recommended feedback ratio. She’s hearing one positive for every five negatives. Sadly, for many of our players game time has become an exercise in anxiety instead of an opportunity to develop a love of the game and the indescribable feeling that comes with belonging to a group in which all members are endeavoring to do their best.
Like backseat drivers, some parents would do well to wear the cone of silence for a game or two. The advice of columnist and soccer mom Debbie Farmer is sound, too: “Before the game, say only these seven words to your child: Good luck. I love you. Have fun.”
Leave it at that. Take the big-picture approach. No single game is that important. Each contest is a stepping stone in which the kids should discover something new and positive about themselves.
As difficult as it is sometimes, parents need to concentrate on the positive – not the poor officiating or the unfair advantage or the mistakes the coach makes, but the positive nature of competition and cammaradiere. After all, every young person on the field does something good some of the time.
Notice what they are doing right. Make a big deal out of it. After the game, resist the urge to provide post-game commentary and analysis. Your kid is physically and emotionally tired. Respect that. Win or lose, move on. Change the subject entirely. Give them a high five and a hug and ask them what they would like to have for lunch. Let game-related subjects come up naturally.
Coaches must remember what important role models they are, too. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, be satisfied that your athletes are as prepared as they are going to be on this day. Curb the urge to micromanage during the game and give your kids the opportunity to put to use the instruction they’ve gained in practice.
Heed the advice of motivator extraordinaire General George S. Patton: “Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.”
Kids, stand up for yourselves. You are the ones who put in the effort during long, hot practices. If you feel you’re getting too much feedback, too much noise from the sidelines, respectfully tell your “yellparents” to zip it.
Perhaps we should turn the tables for a single day and have the parents take the field while the kids scream at us from the sidelines. Quickly, we would understand the extra strain a hypercritical parent adds to the competition. Parents would truly understand that the game isn’t as easy as it seems, and also that it’s not about the parents’ bragging rights, it’s about our kids developing a love for the game.
Let’s not get in the way of that. On game day, let the children play. And if you’re one of those parents who has wandered across the line, recognize that problem and pledge to channel that enthusiasm into sincere, positive feedback
