Repeat after me… “I love summer. I love heat. I love summer. I love heat. I love…” Oh, for heaven’s sake – it’s Hot outside!
Do you remember last winter when natural gas prices sailed right through the roof, and we turned thermostats waaaaaaayy down until we could see our breath in the living room and swore we’d never-ever complain about hot weather again? Neither do I.
The heat is on folks, and I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of living three inches from my electric fan despite owning a home equipped with central air. The catch is we don’t turn it on. This misfortune is the product of that dismal summer when our lives revolved around rolling blackouts. Remember those? Despite dire warnings, we all fool heartedly cranked up our air conditioners, resulting in huge chunks of the state’s utility grid suddenly succumbing to the nefarious whims of the electricity gods or possibly Howard Stern. Which meant that we were not only deprived of our air conditioning, we lost refrigerators, lights, fans, and – egads – even a governor! That’s right, folks, it was so hot that summer Gray Davis blew up in an unfortunate blast of spontaneous combustion. And for all this inconvenience we were rewarded with monthly utility bills larger than the economies of numerous small nations.
So my spouse and I decided to give our budget and the environment a break by suspending the use of air conditioning at home – making me just a little prickly and out of sorts. I draw the line, however, inside my vehicle. Even with fuel costs approaching federal spending limits, there’s no way I am capable of navigating through traffic with a core temperature of 157°F without undergoing a complete meltdown. I’m just doing my part to stamp out road rage. My own.
Generally, I believe men handle the heat better than women. OK, that might be a sexist statement, but think about it. Men run around shirtless while we girls need to maintain a certain, um…decorum regarding our above-the-waist attire. Regardless of how high the thermometer soars, I strongly advise that women keep their tops on in public unless you’re 3 months old, socially deranged or Paris Hilton who, come to think of it, probably fits in two out of three of those categories. But wearing minimum clothing is not the only reason men tolerate heat better than women.
n News item: Mature women have their own weather. It’s a documented fact that women of a “certain age” experience major climactic temperature changes throughout the course of a minute. You’re sitting in an important business meeting and abruptly your internal furnace fires up. Suddenly you’re facing your colleagues – all of whom are roughly the same age as Doogie Howser – while trying to maintain your composure as your hair frizzes up and your glasses totally steam over. Fortunately, your newly impaired eyesight spares you the picture of your associates falling out of their chairs laughing because your springy hair and blank spectacles have rendered you into the spitting image of Little Orphan Annie.
So if you, too, are endeavoring to bear the sweltering days of summer sans air conditioning, here are my sure-fire solutions to help you beat the heat:
n Ice cubes. A couple dozen of these babies slipped into the waistband of your shorts or slacks are sure to drop your body temperature a smidgen. The snag is that sitting down turns out to be a bit awkward. Plus you may have to field a few embarrassing questions once the ice has melted and soaked through your Bermudas.
n Sprinkler system. Turn it on full blast. Stand in the midst of the spray and watch the steam rise from your skin. Play in the mist like a water nymph. When you finally drip back into the house, your nosy kids will want to know why you’re all wet. Tell them you’re practicing for the upcoming wet T-shirt contest. At their high school.
n Shopping. Why not let Macys and Nordstrom spring for your air conditioning this summer? The way I figure it, when you weigh the costs of spending your summer at the mall versus keeping your house tolerably cool – Hey! It’s cheaper to go shopping.
n Ice cream. Gallons of it. You know what to do.
Repeat all of the above until Thanksgiving. And if the heat holds on and you still have trouble keeping cool, here is my final word on the subject. Are you aware that Christmas is just five months from today?
Now that is positively chilling.
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at
Ga*********@ao*.com
.
