George Best, 59, one of the most brilliant and colorful
personalities ever to kick a soccer ball, died a few weeks ago as a
result of complications of more than four decades of alcohol
abuse.
George Best, 59, one of the most brilliant and colorful personalities ever to kick a soccer ball, died a few weeks ago as a result of complications of more than four decades of alcohol abuse.
So much talent in that short, quick body! A poor boy from Northern Ireland, who played for one of the best teams in the world, and continued to entertain and enthrall 12 years later in the twilight of his career, seemed to have it all. (Earthquakes fans of 1980-81 will remember the night, in a dazzling display of skill, he dribbled through no fewer than five players and left them twisted on the grass as he moved in to score a goal).
So why drink too much and blow it all?
I bring this up because I’m sorry to hear of Bestie’s early death, and because it’s winter time, when the armory shelter is filled with homeless people, some of whom have an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol that led them there, and because it’s Christmas time, when holiday gatherings with family, friends, or co-workers create stress that causes people to drink to excess or medicate themselves to cope.
We have many alcoholics and addicts in our midst. Many are more “high functioning” than not; they are able to work at their jobs, maintain their connections to their families, keep up appearances to the community.
The challenge to those who recognize them and want to help is knowing just what to do.
You’ve noticed your friend quaffs regularly quite a few beers in a short amount of time and turns extra jolly (or cranky). Do you tell your friend to be careful? That you see he’s drinking just a little bit much? It’s a huge risk, because it is likely your friend will pull away, knowing that you know, but not wanting to acknowledge that you might be right.
What about your friend’s spouse? Do you offer sympathy and support, because surely you know she’s going through a lot of anxiety – if not outright hell – as she closely, but surreptitiously monitors his behavior, tries to act as a buffer for her children, hoping he doesn’t get too out of hand in front of friends in public?
The confounding thing here is that the spouse has spent so much time bobbing and weaving that she either can’t recognize that the drinking is the problem, always pinning it on something else, or simply doesn’t want to. She seems unable or unwilling to change their lives they way they are.
Some of the denial comes from a defensiveness stemming from shame. Addicts are demonized in our culture (and I don’t deny that their behavior creates some vexing problems), and as they are high functioning, they tell themselves they can’t be “losers” or “bad people.”
And they’re not. They’re mostly tender hearted, friendly, loving, engaging, fun, and often extremely talented people, who started drinking to excess or getting high in order to feel better after feeling bad from fear, anger, or other kind of pain that runs very deep.
Trouble is, the solution they sought – numbing through drinking or drugging – causes more problems in the long run, spirals out of control and masks the issue they need to resolve.
They have to swim through the sludge of addiction and its fallout before they can reach the source of their fear, anger, or deep pain and fix it.
It’s terrible to watch. You want to help, because you cherish them, but it’s also hard to be involved with them, because they fool and lie to themselves and you; it’s a habit they cling to like the need to breathe. And so you pull away, too, losing family members or some of the best friends of your lives.
It’s Christmas, a time for “good will toward men.” I find I’m more patient with the addicts who are homeless than those who are in my own family or circle of friends, mostly because I didn’t experience their rejection or witness their painful descent into the abyss; I just met them after they got there.
I don’t have answers for how best to approach people you value about their addictions. I realize that while I limit exposure to addictions in my life or around my family, I still need to acknowledge and appreciate the talented and loving individual who is waging a very tough battle, who feels like crap, but needs to know he isn’t, especially to me.
