OK, I know there are times when we think we’re having a really bad day, but just be glad you don’t live in Japan. There, a firm manufacturing “high tech” toilets became quite apologetic recently when 26 of their bidets began smoking and three actually caught fire. You’ll be relieved to learn that, according to a recent Reuters news story, no actual people or livestock were injured during these alarming incidents.
“What in the world,” you are no doubt asking yourself right now, “qualifies a toilet to be “high tech,” and isn’t a working flush handle about as advanced as any of them need to be?”
Well, yes, technically you are correct, but sadly there are far too many people who don’t know what they want out of their prime porcelain bathroom fixture. So Toto Ltd., a Japanese toilet maker, designed a bidet for the most discriminating, ummm … consumer. Air purification, blow-drying and seat-warming are attributes of these avant-garde devices.Â
The unfortunate pyrotechnics were traced to “friction” generated inside the toilets. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but friction burning isn’t a feature most people require as part of their bathroom experience. We just want to flush our toilets without evoking high tide.
Fortunately, none of these fixtures was installed in the U.S. because one can only imagine the hullabaloo such episodes would produce. Now, let me be the first to say, God bless our politicians and celebrities, but what if, for example, these troublesome toilets were tragically installed inside certain bathrooms? Imagine the uproar if waves of luminaries suddenly began checking themselves into rehab after experiencing a malfunction in the men’s (or ladies) room.
For example: Say the Japanese government had presented one of the burnable bidets to the White House (no, I don’t know why; maybe they were out of silk paintings), and the top resident there experienced some spontaneous combustion. If you thought Number Forty-Three’s dance moves in the White House Rose Garden with the Kankouran West African dance troupe were shocking, this encounter gives whole new meaning to doing the “funky dance.”
“W” (feeling the heat): “I am the decider here and I call this here contraption ‘pure evil.’ It is the evil-doer! It’s time to end America’s dependence on foreign commodes. God bless America!”
Or, heaven forbid, the seemingly volatile Alec Baldwin encounters a blasting bidet as he proceeds to, er … bust a move. (Ok, I apologize for that one). Baldwin: “You are a rotten little pig! You have humiliated me for the last time, and I am going to straighten your $%* out! Just as soon as I put out this @!#$ fire.”
And you can imagine the fanning of the flames produced in the Rosie/Donald feud with a toilet torching over at ABC:
Rosie: “I hope your comb-over catches fire, you self-proclaimed moral compass of decency.” The Donald: “Rosie, you are such a loser. A little ‘hog-roast’ in the restroom might improve your disposition, but you’ll still be despicable!”
Or suppose the writers of “24” got their hands on these “washlets” as they are referred to in Japan:
CTU Agent Jack Bauer (bellowing into his cell phone): “Chloe! Get the President on the line. There’s been a terrorist plot to infiltrate U.S. bathrooms with flammable toilets that release deadly nerve gas. I’m going undercover to unlock the secret code. This is a suicide mission and I won’t make it back, but if I don’t disable these toilets, we are going to have a devastating international crisis on our hands!”
Former NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak: “What toilets? I haven’t been near one since purchasing my Special Edition Extreme Protection Space (SEEPS) diapers. Get a clue, people, and get a diaper!”
And the poop would’ve hit the fan over at CNN had they installed the catastrophic commode in the venerable Larry King’s dressing room as part of Larry’s 50 years on television. The King’s Throne would have become its own topic of discussion:
Larry King: “OK, turning now to our distinguished panel of experts. Roseanne Barr – what can you tell us about this sort of bathroom experience?” Roseanne: “Well, Larry, it seems to me that this sort of Hiney-Heat-Up debacle has already been done over at ABC.” Larry: “Right, Rosie, now let’s get the opinion of Paris Hilton who is getting ready to do a little time in the slammer … Paris? Oh, Paris? We’re having difficulty getting Paris … but up next – Anderson Cooper!”
And I’ve heard a rumor that FOX installed the jet-set johns in the lavatories of its American Idol judges with the expected fiery results:
Randy Jackson: “Yo, dawg; that was just all right for me ya know? Just keepin’ it real, baby. I wasn’t feelin’ it – except for that last part – because that was HOT, dawg!”
Paula Abdul (sobbing): “You know I love you, and you look gorgeous, but that was a little off, you know? But I’m so proud of you because you did your thing.”
Simon Cowell:  “Well, what can I say? That was simply hideous. The smoke and fire is a disaster – this is something we’d see at someone’s wedding or at a karaoke bar; it was just a complete and utter mess. I’m afraid this is it for you.”
Ryan Seacrest (running after persistent American Idol contestant, Sanjaya Malakar): “No! Wait, Sanjaya – don’t go in there! Oh, too late – Hey, we need some first aid over here – Sanjaya’s Mohawk is on fire … No, Sanjaya – the votes are in and we did count them! Twice! Give it up, brother!” Â
OK, friends, I apologize for slip-sliding away into the sordid “bathroom humor” genre this week. I’m sorry, OK? I couldn’t help it! I don’t know what came over me! I won’t do it again, all right? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m checking myself into rehab.
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at Ga*********@*ol.com.
