Drink up: Its primary politics in a shot glass

Well, it had to happen. Considering we have ahead of us a whole year of presidential hopefulness before we winnow 16 candidates down to one elected president, it’s a good thing somebody had the foresight to get alcohol involved.

It’s called “Pick the POTUS at the Lotus.” If you haven’t heard of a “POTUS,” you’re not alone; “POTUS” is an acronym for “President of the United States,” and at a Washington bar called the Lotus Lounge, people there astutely developed a ballot/menu of 16 cocktails, each named for a presidential hopeful. Each cocktail contains a bit of the, um… “characteristics” of its namesake. And before you hop a jet for the nation’s capital to cast your vote and raise a glass, let me share a secret with you: you can cast your vote online. Think of it, people! No hanging chads, no disenfranchisement, no deliberating over a candidate’s ideals, policies or beliefs. If you happen to like the candidate’s flavor, be it Bloody Mary or vodka, you got your man. Or woman. Or whatever. Whew – it boggles the mind.

I know you are beside yourself with anticipation wondering what is going into those drinks, so here’s a teaser beginning with the Republicans: Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York, is represented by the “New Yorker” – an apple martini. (“Big Apple” – get it?) Mike Huckabee, a healthy eater after shedding a ton of weight, drew the Bloody Mary with its wholesome dose of tomato juice. Mitt Romney landed “The Romney,” a non-alcoholic blend of juices and soda. Or your verdict may be the “Law & Order,” Fred Thompson’s drink, which contains Jack Daniels distilled in Thompson’s state of Tennessee. Finally, you might order John McCain’s “Raising Arizona,” a “straight martini for a straight talker” who’s working to “raise” funds. OK, so some are a stretch.

On the Democrat side is the “Hillartini” – a Cosmopolitan that’s “pink and feminine, yet strong and bold.”  (Yes, I know there are more Republicans but I have only so much room here.) Or would you prefer the “Bill-rita,” named for New Mexico governor Bill Richardson? John Edwards, arguably the prettiest candidate, was honored with the “Johnny Rocket.” Huh? Maybe they meant “Johnny Smooth” considering the Southern Comfort and Grand Mariner that go into the cocktail. Dennis Kucinich, running for possibly the 429th time, is symbolized by “The Impeachment” (he wants to impeach Cheney and perhaps the rest of the Republican Party), which imparts a “peachy” taste. Or there’s the popular “Obama-rama,” a blend of juices, tropical fruit mixers and rum, a nod to Obama’s Hawaiian roots.

Now drinks are dandy, but who can live on booze alone? We need food here, people, which brings to mind those “scientific” quizzes that psychologists or possibly Modern Bride magazine constantly spring on us. The quiz asks you to assign a specific food for your loved ones based on their personality. Now this is serious business, friends, and I urge you to leave this job in the hands of professionals such as myself because somebody could definitely wind up in divorce court. But earnest investigative journalist that I am, today I’m attaching an actual food item to each of the aforementioned candidates. For assistance I went straight to the experts, Food Network’s Web site, which at last count contains approximately 17 billion recipes.

Mrs. Clinton, who admits a fondness for ice cream, seems destined to be a dessert. Not as airy as a souffle but less dense than, say, brownies, I christened Hillary the “Crostata di Limone” – that’s a lemon tart with a European twist in deference to her self-proclaimed expertise in foreign affairs. New Mexico’s Bill Richardson is “Beer Beef Fajitas:” fajitas, a nod to his Latino heritage, beer because Bill just seems like the kind of guy you could sit down with and enjoy a beer or two. And John Edwards of the high-styled hair? How about “Stuffed Mushroom Caps with Blue Cheese Souffle;” the only thing smoother than a mushroom cap is John Edwards’ hair. OK, maybe that’s over the top but hey – I call ’em like I see ’em. And Kucinich: “Buffalo Popcorn Chicken Bites.” Don’t ask; it just seems right somehow. And for the ultra-cool, bi-racial, Hawaiian-bred Obama, I chose the sophisticated “Mocha Ice Cream Sandwich with Macadamia Nut-Hawaiian Vintage Chocolate Chunk Cookies.” Now that’s a mouthful!   

Rudy Giuliani, a New Yorker of Italian descent simply screams lasagna, but I can’t decide between “Uncle Vincent’s Lasagna” (I mean, who’s more New York Italian than “Uncle Vinny?”) and “Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Roll-ups with Gorgonzola Cream Sauce” (Italian with urban sophistication). Why lasagna you ask? Like the dish, Rudy has many layers, some of which are hidden, so we don’t know what they consist of. For Mike Huckabee, another dilemma, but a small one: with a super-duper name like “Huckabee,” he epitomizes Americana and apple pie. So it’s “Mom’s Harvest Apple Pie” or the “4# Apple Pie” a meager fraction of all those pounds he shed.

I turned to “A Mormon Cookbook: Food, Facts & Friendship” by Erin A. Delfoe for Mitt Romney’s selection. Romney claims to have a passion for pie, so the “Family Home Evening Rhubarb Pie” seems appropriate, although the “Relief Society Macaroni Casserole” was tempting, giving Romney a wholesome pair of dishes for a clean-living candidate. And for Fred Thompson, the Law & Order alumnae, “Death by Chocolate-Chocolate Mousse” affords the perfect murder for his crime-solving L&O character. And for crusty, fund-raising John McCain? “Crab Cake Po’ Boys,” of course – a page torn right out of McCain’s playbook.

Remember when electing a president was easy? Me neither, so this highly sophisticated research study should be just the ticket to help you pick a candidate next November. Plus my study didn’t cost half a year of your salary for the government to produce – at least not until they get wind of it. As for me, there’s an Obama-rama in the kitchen, and it’s calling my name.