If you’ve ever wandered into a major league clubhouse before a
game you’d see neatly laundered uniforms ready for wear, polished
shoes, folded socks and everything imaginable that a player needs
for a game.
If you’ve ever wandered into a major league clubhouse before a game you’d see neatly laundered uniforms ready for wear, polished shoes, folded socks and everything imaginable that a player needs for a game.
Batting gloves? A few pairs are ready and just out of the package. Fielding gloves? Usually a few autographed models are lying around that haven’t seen the field yet or tasted the leather of a baseball.
From Under Armour short sleeve Dri-fit shirts and long-sleeve mock turtlenecks to custom-fitted sliding shorts, it’s all there.
Not to mention that every clubhouse has it’s share of a pre-game meal spread that ranges from healthy food to homemade burritos, pasta or ribs. The clubhouse manager and his assistants prepare everything.
Now, down on the youth baseball level, Joe and Jane Baseball Parent encounter a whole different scenario on game day. It’s not a glamorous painted picture with no flaws. Far from it!
While Barry Zito has a Denver omelet prepared in the clubhouse by chef Emeril Lagasse, Jane Parent tosses a Pop Tart in the toaster while she frantically looks for her child’s belt, so his pants won’t droop to his knees like they did last week as he ran to first.
Looking for his athletic supporter and cup is another issue. Neither one manages to stay together for long, but this morning she locates one on top of the washing machine while the other was unknowingly put in the dishwasher since it was mistaken for an ice cream dish.
This week, Jane’s little Jimmy didn’t get his socks washed because they miraculously disappeared after the game. They were located, however, game day morning in the inside of an empty Gatorade bottle. A little stinky, a little moist, but wearable. If you turn them inside out they’ll look practically brand new.
Up until hours before Jimmy has to be at the field, his uniform is still in the dryer and has been washed numerous times to get out the mud, grass, soft drink stains, mustard, ketchup, hot sauce, bubble gum ice cream, Jamba Juice, pizza and many other foreign substances not readily identified by the FDA. Soggy sunflower seeds once inside the back pocket now line the washer.
Thinking the shoes were inside the closet was wishful thinking for Jane. One was in the trunk of her car and the other was under the hood of Joe’s car, but Jimmy swore on a stack of Topp’s Baseball Cards that they were in his bag right where he left them after losing the bag at the Dairy Queen last week.
And have you ever seen the inside of a kid’s bag? How long has that red licorice been stuck to the zipper and why are those French fries green? Why does the water bottle have algae escalating toward the top? Upon further discovery you find every post-game snack that’s been given out for the past two seasons stuffed into one of the compartments.
Oops! Where’s the hat? Well, it was last sighted in a tug-of-war game between the family dog and the next door neighbor. A quick phone call gets it delivered back home complete with slobber stains and a shredded logo.
With no worse for wear, it’s time to get Jimmy dressed. Each player, like Jimmy, puts on his lucky color coordinated action figure t-shirt and slips on the rest of the uniform with the expertise of a tailor from the Men’s Wearhouse. What should have taken five minutes was a three-hour ordeal
So it’s off to the game as everyone piles into the SUV only to discover Jimmy’s glove is at his aunt’s house in Fresno and his bat is somewhere under the recyclables in the backyard. Much to the chagrin of Jimmy he’ll have to use his back-up glove that has tree sap in the webbing and borrow a titanium slugger to hit with.
Just once in a season Joe and Jane Baseball Parent would love to enter their kid’s room and find every piece of baseball attire neatly adorned on the bed and equipment placed appropriately in the bag, much like it is at every cubicle for major league players.
Well, until they find their son strolling into a major league clubhouse they might as well realize that’s not going to happen and weekly hysteria will still abound.
So they’ll still have to fix breakfast, smell dead skunk socks and use a metal detector to find the bat, but it’s all a part of the ritual of being their child’s own personal clubhouse attendant.
By the way, where’s the tip?
Rich Taylor is the CEO and head instructor of California Pitching Academy and a scout for the New York Mets. Reach him at rj********@***oo.com.
