Dear Readers, I come to you today to tell you about the dangers of twerking. Yes, I said twerking. I know it sounds like a made up word, but sadly, it is in the Oxford Dictionary. I know. After hearing that, I too worry about the future of mankind.
(Also? Really? The Oxford Dictionary? I mean, wouldn’t you think it would be difficult to make it in there? If twerking is in the dictionary then all of civilization should be very, very afraid because clearly anyone can make up a ridiculous word and get it in the dictionary. If you don’t believe me, consider this: they also added “derp,” “selfie” and “phablet.” Yeah. I’m afraid now and you should be too. Also? I have no idea what “derp” means, but for the newspaper’s sake, I hope it’s not a bad word.)
In any event, for those of you who don’t know what twerking is, I’ll give you a brief and possibly blinding tutorial. You’ve been warned.
Twerking consists of squatting, sticking your rear out and shaking what your mama gave you as if your life depends on it. It’s kind of like the hokey-pokey, only with butt cheeks. Or perhaps it’s better described as a fanny-centric chicken dance without any clucking and no annoying accordion music (ooh, there’s a plus). There is also a version of twerking where the twerker stands on her head, puts her feet on the wall and twerks.
I’ll pause while that vision sinks into your brain and marinates until you want to rip your eyeballs from your head. Also? I’ll wait while you realize that when we were young we danced with zombies to “Thriller” and frankly, we were way, way cooler. And we didn’t get footprints on the walls.
In any event, twerking is a young person’s game and not just because nobody wants to wash walls after a party. It is also quite possibly evil – mainly because nobody wants to wash walls after a party.
For one thing, twerking is dangerous when you are older. And by older I mean one day past your 22nd birthday. Look, the real problem is that you are gyrating around, squatting and shaking and boom! One wrong twerk and the next thing you know, you’re being wheeled into surgery to get a brand new hip.
And of course, for many of us who are, shall we say, more comfortably padded in our main twerking areas it could start a small earthquake. Or at least put someone’s eye out. Trust me when I tell you to give twerking people a wide berth if they are both old and blessed with a big booty. It is well documented that this could be a lethal twerking combination.
Also – and I know I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will – nothing ruins a good party like old people twerking. Plus? You don’t want to end up on YouTube twerking when you are old. The comments section can be especially rough for elderly twerkers. Not that I speak from experience, of course.
Sadly, no matter what your age, twerking makes you look stupid. It’s as if the entire planet got together and decided it would be cool to do the potty dance that they remember from their toddler years. I don’t understand it – but I’m willing to admit that by virtue of being old and set in my ways, I might be resistant to the twerking movement.
No. That’s not it. Twerking definitely makes you look stupid.
Sadly, looking stupid is not a deterrent to teen twerking. Google it and you will see bazillions of YouTube videos of young people twerking everywhere. They twerk at the mall. They twerk at the gas station. They twerk at school. It’s like the entire planet has gone twerk crazy.
The good news is, I think twerking may have peaked. Last week Miley Cyrus, several giant teddy bears and a very strange foam finger twerked their way across the MTV Video Music Awards. (Side note: When was the last time you saw a video on MTV and not some iteration of the scariest show of all time, “Teen Mom”?) Er, anyway, since then, people have been looking at twerking (and foam fingers) in a new way and it’s not a good thing.
So please, people. Can twerking be over now? I mean, I know it’s a fad, but haven’t we suffered enough?
