Is it just me? It seems that whenever I turn to the news on TV or the radio these days, the world outlook simply gets bleaker by the minute. Could we – pleeeeeze – have just one 24-hour stretch of good news for a change? I was driving in major traffic recently, and before the news report was over I was “this close” to taking my purse and beating my radio senseless with it.
And can you blame me? Now please don’t get all huffy and begin firing off critical, nit-picky letters regarding what I am about to tell you because I admit that in all probability I don’t have every single iota of information exactly perfect here. I mean, who do you think I am for heaven’s sake, Katie Couric? But here are some examples, more of less, of what passed as “newsworthy” recently:
Shortly before the U.S. president and the Iraqi prime minister were to meet recently, a secret White House memo was “leaked,” which apparently caused a few ruffled feathers. It seems that someone called someone else an “incompetent imbecile” or some such thing, and pretty soon everyone was going all tit for tat saying, “I know you are, but what am I?” and “Who needs another state dinner because the last time it was total slop, anyway.” The next thing you know we were smack in the middle of “snub-gate” where big-time meetings were being cancelled left and right until everyone finally calmed down and shook hands for the cameras.
White House officials were kept unusually busy there for awhile, stating that if anyone was an imbecile it was only on alternate Thursdays in months containing an “R,” and any further dialogue would require Congress to seek resolution except they were busy at the moment figuring out how to vote themselves another pay raise.
In the meantime, various political and spiritual leaders had encountered problematic “personal storms” and responded by immediately checking themselves into rehab.
In international news, the president of Iran, still annoyed because his 18-page letter to the president was ignored earlier this year, fired off yet another communique – this to the people of the United States. The Iranian president made an unprecedented radical gesture offering to purchase, I believe, North or South Dakota because who needs two Dakotas, anyhow? Or possibly New Mexico since a recent poll showed that approximately 40 percent of college students don’t seem to know it’s a state anyway and because the official insect, the Tarantula Hawk Wasp, is totally weird.
White House officials responded by saying that the U.S. probably needs both Dakotas since we plan to hang on to the two Carolinas, and how much was Iran offering for New Mexico? However, this definitely called for a Congressional debate although now was a bad time because one of the junior senators was preparing to filibuster. Apparently the senator’s college fraternity brothers double-dog dared him to assume this action after taking bets that the senator didn’t know what the word “filibuster” meant anyway.
Meanwhile, city officials in Chicago decided that an upcoming Christmas festival should not be allowed to feature the word “Christmas” as this would be insensitive to other groups. White House officials offered that since this same old argument seems to crop up every year, perhaps the word “Christmas” should be replaced by a less sensitive word like, for instance, “Rabbit’s Foot.” Therefore, everyone will henceforth refer to a certain December holiday as “Rabbit’s Foot.” People will decorate their “Rabbit’s Foot” tree with tinsel and lights, and the night before “Rabbit’s Foot,” folks will gather to sip eggnog and nibble on, er…”Rabbit’s Foot” cookies.
White House officials have just announced that future filibusters will not contain any persons with the official title “Beermeister” given that fistfights had just broken out in the Senate. An investigation was begun to determine who actually broke the first bottle over the junior senator’s head. A full congressional report will be released just as soon as members finish giving each other lie detector tests. Officials went on to say that troops will be sent if New Mexico even thinks about selling itself to Iran.
In the meantime, former female news anchor Connie Chung regrets her “Thanks for the Memories” rendition last spring – not because it was just a tad, um … undignified, but because her gown made her butt look big.
This just in: The holiday term, “Rabbit’s Foot” has been called inconsiderate by animal groups and will be terminated posthaste because its use may be viewed as insensitive to rabbits.
White House officials announce that they have no idea what “posthaste” means and how long is it until Valentine’s Day, anyway? They further stated that future festivals having to do with religious themes will switch to the name, “Football,” since “Football” is practically a religion in some states anyway except where “Football” actually means “soccer,” in which case the designated holiday name will be “Tree Frogs.”
Connie Chung has announced that she is checking into rehab.
In an unrelated story, John Kerry declared that once and for all any further remarks of the incident of a few weeks ago, which he formerly asserted was a “botched joke,” should be dropped immediately by the White House since he is, technically, unqualified to declare whether a joke was “botched” or “unbotched” because to do so he would have to possess a sense of humor.
White House officials responded that Kerry is a “goober,” and that this “foreign policy thing” is getting way out of hand so they are checking themselves into rehab. Or something like that. And now, back to your regularly scheduled newspaper.
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at
Ga*********@ao*.com
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