Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2010 Mom Olympics, held in
the beautiful South Valley area. Every four years, moms participate
in these Games. They train for years to compete at this level. Many
will fail. Some will give up. But there will be moms who come home
to their families wearing Mom Olympic medals, which are lead-free
and available in two flavors: chocolate or cabernet.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2010 Mom Olympics, held in the beautiful South Valley area. Every four years, moms participate in these Games. They train for years to compete at this level. Many will fail. Some will give up. But there will be moms who come home to their families wearing Mom Olympic medals, which are lead-free and available in two flavors: chocolate or cabernet.
Here is a schedule of this year’s events:
Curling
This exciting sport is unlike any other. Armed with brooms, teams of four moms attempt to clean up an overflowing toilet that has been stuffed with Bratz dolls and then repeatedly flushed by a toddler. As the toilet overflows, two moms from each team will use their brooms to push the soggy Bratz dolls back into the bathroom and get them as close as possible to the overflowing toilet. Once that’s accomplished, the moms will turn off the water, while the remaining two moms console the sobbing toddler who just wanted the Bratz dolls to learn to swim.
Cross-Country Skiing
In this event, moms must use both brain and brawn to get a medal. The goal is to be the first mom to drop off a forgotten textbook at a high school. Moms, dressed in the traditional cross-country uniform of ratty old pajamas and floppy slippers, must first determine which textbook among the 20 or so on the kitchen table is the textbook required for the game. After that, they rush out the door, only to find the car won’t start. Thus begins their exciting journey across town to deliver the textbook to their ungrateful – and embarrassed – child. The first mom to successfully reach the school without tossing the textbook or her slippers into a ditch while screaming in frustration wins this event. Bonus points are given to moms who are spotted by their high school student and get the teen to acknowledge mom’s existence in front of the teen’s friends.
Ice Hockey
Moms compete individually in this unique event that takes place in the middle school gym during the Valentine’s Day dance. Moms – armed only with a hardwood floor duster – must maneuver a dropped water bottle through the clumps of gawky middle-schoolers who are too nervous to dance. They must then get the water bottle into a goal guarded by two students who are blocking it by slow dancing in front of it. Moms at the top of their performance level in this event are able to score the elusive hat trick: scoring three goals in the game while simultaneously breaking up smooching in dark corners of the gym.
Freestyle Skiing
This competition is not for the faint-hearted. Wearing mop buckets on each foot and then strapping the buckets to a skateboard, moms travel through a grocery store while performing a series of acrobatic feats. In the condiments aisle, moms must slide through a spill of ketchup, mayonnaise and pickles, only to be launched into the soup aisle where they will need to leap over cream of mushroom soup moguls. Moms will use the freezer section as a half-pipe, performing a series of twists, turns and switches, before getting to the end of the event, the checkout line. Bonus points are given to moms who can get out of the store without buying a screaming elementary school child a candy bar.
Short Track Speed Skating
While stuffed into Spanx and wearing 4-inch stilettos, mom will race against each other to buy the very last mission model at the local craft store. The race starts at the doors of the store, and once the starting shot is fired, moms race through the aisles of the stores, searching for the elusive mission model without falling. Warning: Moms who purchased their mission models the year before and hide them in their Spanx until the end of the race will be disqualified.
Bobsled
In this event, moms are taken to the top of a narrow, twisting, iced track in the middle of a pouring rainstorm, only to find it’s garbage day. Moms must ride the trash can down the tracks at speeds which may break the sound barrier in an attempt to get the trash can to the curb before the garbage truck arrives. The mom with the best time wins this event. Moms are penalized if trash falls out of the can during her wild ride.
So there you have them, the exciting Games of the 2010 Mom Olympics. Let the Games begin!
