There is great news for all of us. In a recent news release, I learned that the greatest invention “since sliced bread” has been announced. Well, it turned out to be a play on words. This invention was something that kept bread from turning moldy. Now that’s important to some, I guess. But does it qualify as one of the greatest inventions? I think not. Besides, I find that, if you eat the bread before it has a chance to get moldy, the problem is solved.
But let’s consider things that were great inventions. The Salk vaccine certainly would be among the top 10. As would be nuclear fission. And fusion for that matter.
Although, those are more discoveries than inventions. Then there are rocket motors, and what list would be complete without the revolutionary Veg-O-Matic Vegetable Slicer and Dicer. We would have to also include the integrated circuit that made modern computers and cell phones possible. That would certainly be high up on the list. (Aside: Give a man a meal and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a cell phone and he’ll order Chinese takeout.)
But what about the hundreds of things that haven’t been invented that should have been. What, you ask, might that be? Well, let me give you an example. How about a beer bottle made out of pretzel. Wouldn’t that be neat? Take a good slug of suds, then bite off the neck of the bottle. Now that’s a great idea. I must admit, I’ve been working on that for years, but still haven’t got it quite perfected. You see, the pretzel keeps getting soggy.
Here’s another one. You know those raincoats that you carry in a small pouch? When you put the raincoat on, you carry the pouch in the raincoat pocket. Then when you take the raincoat off, you put it in the pouch. Now, if you could just put the pouch back in the raincoat pocket, you wouldn’t have to carry anything. Another neat idea.
Here’s one more. What if you had an eye on the end of your finger? You wouldn’t have to turn around to see if someone was following you. You would just look over your shoulder with your “eye-finger.” Or, if you wanted to see if your hair was just right in back, – Lady M loves this one – you would just take a look using your “eye-finger.” This is another one I was working on, but here is my major concern with this one: let’s say you were nailing some boards together one day and the hammer missed the nail. You guessed it. You would hit your eye-finger and get a black eye, or worse, put your eye-finger out.
By now you should realize why all rocket scientists don’t continue their careers in their chosen profession. Although I can claim having received a couple of patents for devices used to clean up oil spills in ice-infested waters. I soon learned that there wasn’t a huge demand for such devices on the moon.
Lady M is always coming up with great ideas for things she thinks I should invent to make her culinary activities easier. The problem with her ideas usually is I can find exactly what she wants at the kitchen supply stores at The Gilroy Outlets or in one of the several hundred cooking catalogues she receives each week.
If you ever want to see new inventions by the dozens, check out the giant Consumer Electronics Show. It’s over for this year – and Las Vegas has returned to its usual abnormal state – but you can read about some amazing stuff that might or might not be in our future. Years ago, I attended CES regularly, I and 100,000-plus other nerd wannabes. Now, I read about it and am glad I no longer have to fight the maddening crowds. I read that 3D TV didn’t really catch on. That’s one Lady and I didn’t go for. As it is, I can never find my glasses. I can’t imagine hunting throughout the house to find a special pair of 3-D glasses just so I could watch Gilligan’s Island. On the other hand, there was Ginger …
The next rage, news reports indicate, is a TV with resolution four to 10 times better than current high definition sets. I am so impressed with the clarity and almost life-like images now, that I don’t see the need for anything any better. I really don’t need to see Betty White in any better resolution than I now see her. She might start to look old and I really don’t want that to happen.
Henry “Hank” Miller is a retired rocket scientist, he has an interest in classic automobiles, good conversation, martinis and community affairs. Reach him at ha******@gm***.com.
