PRESS: Mr. President, after having slogged through wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, all at one point going on simultaneously, can we really afford to militarily engage with yet another enemy?
OBAMA: That’s a very good question, and I believe we should think long and hard not only about what we stand to gain but also what we stand to lose. It is very easy for those on the sidelines to talk about how we should do this or that, but when you are in the position of responsibility it is your duty to attempt every means short of armed conflict to achieve your ends.
PRESS: That’s all well and good, sir, but hasn’t the current situation become intolerable? Millions of Americans are saying, enough is enough, this evil regime must be brought down and the time for diplomacy is past.
OBAMA: Yes, I’ve heard the people and I’ve seen the calls for action from those like Senator McCain, who has called for air strikes to begin immediately. But it is easy to go into a war; it is not, as we have seen, so easy to get out of one. I don’t think Senator McCain has thought the matter through. Sure, we can launch air strikes against the Fashion Mannequin’s Republic of Kardashia, but what then?
I mean, this situation is fraught with danger. It will not be a relatively painless piece of cake like Operation Paris Hilton, which was quietly handled by the CIA with admirable efficiency. The Kardashian army is much larger and more deeply entrenched. They have weapons of mass marketing stashed away in clothing stores and home shopping channels everywhere, and their tabloid propaganda machine is relentless. We could find ourselves in a quagmire of Anna Nicole Smith proportions for years, fighting a guerilla war in which every time we root out and destroy a salacious tantalizing rumor of no consequence a new marriage proposal or pregnancy or gal pal shocker breaks out in another portion of the supermarket checkout line. The American people have to soberly ask themselves, do we really want our government, our brave troops, and our hard-earned, overly-taxed money to be actively involved in the functional equivalent of another Brad and Angelina saga?
PRESS: But haven’t the Kardashians publicly vowed to seek world domination through aggressive superficiality? What kind of threat would be posed if a rogue nation or terrorist group were to supply them with nuclear silicone implants?
OBAMA: I understand, but if we act too soon we will be accused of going in for the wrong reasons. Already there are critics who say that our real goal is to stop the drain on the world supply of cosmetics and hair products, and that we will invade Kardashia in order to effect a regime change to a less annoying set of rulers, perhaps for example, someone who could dress themselves without the assistance of a larger staff of minions and advisors than was employed by the average Renaissance monarch.
But nothing could be further from the truth. After all, why would we want to take over the place? It has no natural resources; the only thing it manufactures is Kardashians. Its entire income is dependent on the gullibility of others.
PRESS: So, Mr. President, are you saying that the most powerful nation in the world is just going to sit by and watch as this coven of bobbleheads captures the attention of more and more innocent civilians? Think of the children, Mr. President, and the risk that they will come to see these talentless fashion-zombies as a good role model of, well, anything. Wouldn’t the world be better off without them?
OBAMA: The world would be better off without a great many things, but that criterion alone doesn’t justify a hearty round of cruise missiles, tempting though the idea may be. No, the burden is on us to solve this ugly problem. It is time we take the necessary if painful steps to wean ourselves from our dependence on famous-name labeled cosmetics and hair care elixirs, to withdraw from our addiction to brain-rotting tabloid headlines, to end our fixation on the insidious industry of “entertainment news.”
And so I say to the American people that in the interest of keeping the number of wars we are fighting at any given time down to a reasonable number it is incumbent on us all to solve this problem without unnecessary bloodshed. Remember: only you can prevent Kardashians.
