Recently we enjoyed some gloriously balmy days in our corner of the world, which means it must be January. Well, no – all that glory and balm had nothing to do with the fact that it is January. Soon enough we got back to freezing off major body parts while begging our significant others to hoist the thermostat upward just one minuscule degree because doing so couldn’t possibly cost more than, say, the federal budget deficit.
No, the reason I know that it is January is because everywhere we look are helpful columns, talk show discussions, magazine pieces and radio commercials telling us how we can regain our health, get fit and live to be approximately as old as Ed McMahon. Who is, I think, still alive although don’t quote me on this. I am starting to lose track.
It’s as if Major Media People suddenly awaken on Jan. 2 and declare, “Good heavens! Everybody on the planet is a big fat slob!” This observation is accompanied by a physical improvement crusade that makes Marine boot camp resemble a Club Med vacation. And, of course, the presentation of this avalanche of information is so chipper and upbeat apparently a mentally-challenged marmoset could figure it all out.
Now granted, some people don’t need to get into shape because their rock-hard abs are already so firm that actual Budweiser Clydesdales could use their bellies as a springboard. And this would definitely be the case if we were all fortunate enough to live next door to Brad Pitt. I mean, talk about having an incentive to stay in shape! But for the great majority of us, over the past year or … well, decade, we have tended to let things slip and slide a little in the old body department. Happily for us, however, every January there are loads of well-intentioned folks out there to help us get back on track.
So I was prepared to undergo another January filled with experts touting the best food plan, diet pill or workout routine to help us reach our health and fitness goals. And the experts are indeed out there but what we are hearing about these days is “stress.” Yep, stress is the culprit. Stress makes us fat, tired, cranky, sick, old, and out of shape. It plays havoc with our lives and eventually kills us unless we succumb first by consuming industrial-sized vats of Chunky Monkey ice cream.
“Control your stress and control your life,” is the mantra they shout. Apparently, if we can just get our stress under control, everything else falls magically into place.
This valuable insight was beamed into my consciousness recently in the wee earlies of the morning when I was suffering from a bout of insomnia, no doubt brought on by boll weevils. No, I am just kidding – insomnia is, apparently, a poster child of stress. Now I honestly hadn’t realized I was stressed but after hearing what all the experts were saying at 3am one morning, there is little doubt in my mind that I have, tragically, fallen victim to stress.
And there is more troubling news: Multitasking is reportedly a huge cause of stress. As if that isn’t bad enough, a study done recently by a professor from London University found that multitasking actually reduces your IQ by 10 points! Yikes! The drop isn’t permanent, the study points out, but I’ll tell you what – it’s enough to strengthen my resolve that the only multitasking I’ll be doing this week is watching Oprah while munching on stale Christmas cookies. I just don’t have that many 10-point blocks of IQ left to drop.
“But we need some stress,” you are probably thinking. “Stress is our natural warning system telling us that we are in imminent danger of being dragged off by our hair when we mistakenly intercept a random herd of rogue elephants.” Well, who doesn’t hate it when that happens? But when it does, our natural warning system will kick in and tell us to run. Very fast. Although lately the elephants haven’t been particularly bothersome, so I am left to wonder what, exactly, is stressing me out?
Before I could lose any more sleep about why I am stressed, I’m pleased to report that still more experts were Johnny-on-the-spot with information on “dealing” with stress.
One soothing-toned expert recommended yoga or meditation. Obviously from the planet Nirvana, he urged that we create a “positive emotional environment” and try some relaxation or deep-breathing techniques at the workplace. And at home, we need to find time to just sit down and unwind.
And that’s really groovy except I have another major red-alert; this from professor Frank Booth of the University of Missouri-Columbia’s biomedical science department. Using his very own money in flagrant disregard to publicly funded programs, Booth founded the prestigious-sounding “Researchers against Inactivity-Related Disorders” or RID. This entity was formed to fight a condition bearing the catchy title, “Sedentary Death Syndrome” or SeDS. So while you sit on your couch unwinding and ridding yourself of stress, remember that each year more than 300,000 Americans will die pretty much from sitting around on their sofas. This enlightening news should make you feel practically stress free right now.
Sadly, such contradictory advice might lead one back to the old standby stress reliever methods we’ve depended on for years. I figure that if you’re going to kill yourself by camping out on your couch, you might as well be enjoying a cold one on your way out. And just to be on the safe side, why not create a positive emotional environment between sips by chanting, “Aummmmmm … ”
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at
Ga*********@ao*.com
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