Dear IRS:
Well, here it is, mid April (and we all know what THAT
means).
I hope I am not catching you at a bad time, IRS, what with the
wads of money rolling into your offices from panicked, tax-filing
citizens rushing to fulfill their patriotic duty by tendering their
tax contributions.
Dear IRS: Well, here it is, mid April (and we all know what THAT means).
I hope I am not catching you at a bad time, IRS, what with the wads of money rolling into your offices from panicked, tax-filing citizens rushing to fulfill their patriotic duty by tendering their tax contributions. And may I just assure you that we loyal, tax-paying patriots are all just raring to go when it comes to donating our fair share to keep our government running. I mean, Americans hate these government shutdown and “debt ceiling” scares. That’s right, IRS, we God-fearing, law-abiding people all have one goal in mind right now: staying out of federal prison.
Haha, just kidding, IRS. But since it has come to the attention of the American public that there is a bit of um…”scarcity” in federal budget funds, I have the solution to this tragic shortfall: Hire my husband.
That’s right, IRS! The fact that the budget is hurting means you can’t possibly be collecting enough revenue from us taxpayers. Am I right? This points to a pesky problem in that you, the folks in charge of bleeding us dry, er … “gathering” adequate financial resources, need an IRS Super Agent highly trained in interpreting the U.S. Tax Code.Â
“Huh?” I can already hear you saying from your decorative IRS cubicle. “The U.S. Congress doesn’t even understand the Tax Code, and they’re the ones who wrote it!”
And that leads me to the purpose of my letter. Hire my husband. I am not suggesting this because my spouse is retired and hangs around the house an awful lot these days. I am talking about A LOT of time hanging around the house, IRS. Sure, he plays golf once a week and pays the bills on time and completes neat home-improvement projects and all, but I know how much he would enjoy digging in and ferreting out scumbags who think they can cheat on their taxes and get away with it, all the while laughing and pointing their fingers at you because those scumbags know about “loopholes” in the Tax Code.
If these “loopholes” were plugged, this would bring you, IRS, oodles (a highly technical financial term) of new cash every year – at LEAST a trazillion or more tax dollars – and we could get closer to paying down the national debt and attaining that balanced budget everybody is so hot-to-trot about these days.
So why do I think my own particular husband would be a good IRS Super Agent? Oh, please, don’t get me started! This is the man who begins filling out our joint return at approximately midnight on Dec. 31. By Jan. 1, he expects my itemized list of business income and expenses. And picky? Holy cow! I mean, my idea of deductible expenses makes SO much more sense.
Like the year I argued that our dog’s neutering surgery should be tax deductible. Well. You’d think I suggested we go out and shoot a litter of puppies or something. I couldn’t talk a bit of sense into him, and if you own a dog, IRS, I’m sure you would agree that these pet-related expenses can get pretty steep.
However I let him win that argument, which means you IRS folks got more money from us that year, what with our dog’s neutering expenses being a non-starter on our tax return. As you can already tell, my husband goes to extremes to make sure we pay you our fair share.
But here is the best reason for hiring my husband as an IRS Super Agent. A few years ago you sent us a letter saying we owed you $17,000 more in taxes than we’d already paid. Don’t think that didn’t practically launch me into cardiac arrest! And it’s a good thing my husband was home because I was so traumatized I’m afraid I’d have just written you a bad check for $17,000 right there on the spot, which would not have had a favorable outcome, I’m sure.
To his immense credit, my husband calmly looked into your charge of underpayment and wrote you a two-page, single-spaced letter that sounded to me like it was written in U.S. Tax Code, which in the end enlightened you IRS folks that we, indeed, did not owe you $17,000 (and may I just say “Whew!”). Furthermore, he discovered that you, IRS, actually owed us $50! I thought we were rather considerate in not charging you interest and penalties.
So to give a real boost to our government’s income and the U.S. economy, hire my husband RIGHT AWAY as an IRS Super Agent. What d’ya say? I mean, seriously, IRS. Wouldn’t you rather have this man on YOUR side?
