Once upon a time I annually shared with readers my clairvoyant
visions of events to occur in the upcoming year, following the
revered tradition of the year-end editions of all your more
esoteric tabloids who have the crystal balls to tell us all about
what is yet to come.
Once upon a time I annually shared with readers my clairvoyant visions of events to occur in the upcoming year, following the revered tradition of the year-end editions of all your more esoteric tabloids who have the crystal balls to tell us all about what is yet to come. As always I can guarantee that my predictions will be at least as accurate as theirs plus I work cheap because my law school grade in Dark Arts and Sorcery was only mediocre, and given the astronomical uncertainty inherent in today’s atmosphere I think it’s high time I once again don the oversized robe and conical hat with the moon and stars on it and transform myself into Nostradoofus, Master of Not-Impossible Futures.
I confidently predict that in 2011:
The word “iconic” will finally become so outrageously overused that people will actually begin to die from cumulative overexposure to it. A substantial group of semi-literate but highly concerned citizens will march on Apple headquarters in Cupertino, based on their belief that any English word that begins with the letter “i” must be a creation of Steve Jobs, and on the assumption that the “iConic” must be some sort of smart-phone with a built-in death ray they demand to be among the first to buy one. Apple stock rises by 11 percent.
The networking behemoths Facebook and Twitter will announce they are merging into a new website called Twacebook. It will combine the advantages of a classic social network with the limitation that no entry can exceed 113 characters; it is anticipated that this restriction will help subscribers to focus on the need to confine themselves to personal information actually worth sharing with the world. Subscriptions will soar from 500 million to 6 billion, with everyone on the planet twacing everyone else under the site’s policy of automatically friending all humans at birth, to the point where a new vernacular term for “passed away” will enter the language: “gone without a twace.” Warner Brothers, which owns the rights to the cartoon character Elmer Fudd, will bring a massive lawsuit claiming speech impediment infringement.
Wikileaks will continue releasing a daily torrent of documents with the stated goal of eventually shoving every piece of paper ever generated by anyone into the public domain whether the public wants it or not. Among the controversial top-secret communiques will be a position paper written by the State Department in 2007 and reviewed by Secretary Condoleeza Rice which claims that the United States “occupies the best part of the North American continent because we have most of the goodies.” Diplomats from Canada and Mexico will immediately issue press releases playing down the significance of the statement in an attempt to defuse what could become a very ugly situation. Other revelations will include the shocking news that North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il is actually a very handsome man whose recorded image has been tirelessly photoshopped by the CIA for years to make him look like a nearsighted gerbil with a hairpiece rejected by all three of the Stooges. In fact, it will be shown from stolen Defense Department cables that North Korea’s belligerence toward the West as well as its entire nuclear program can be directly traced to Kim’s frustration at his inability to show the world his uncanny resemblance to George Clooney.
In Congress, the resurgent Republicans will, out of habit, continue to filibuster every bill and block every attempt to vote despite the fact that the legislation has been offered by its own members; as a result healthcare reform will stay on the books, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will be repealed by court order, and same-sex marriage will inadvertently become mandatory. Congressional Republican leaders will check themselves into the Betty Ford clinic to receive treatment for “no” addiction.
It will be revealed that John McCain was not born on the U.S. Naval base in Panama commanded by his father as has always been claimed; he was actually born in Panama City where his expectant mother had gone to shop for shoes when she went into unanticipated labor and had to be rushed to a local hospital; Admiral Daddy then fudged the birth certificate. Consequently, McCain was not a natural-born U.S. citizen and was not qualified to be president.
There you have it, 2011 on Planet Mitchell. Put this up on your refrigerator and check off the ones that come true. The Globe, the Star and the Enquirer just can’t compete.
Despite being an award-winning columnist, Robert Mitchell doggedly remains the same eccentric attorney who has practiced general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.****@*****on.net.
