Don’t you love the way you’re blissfully drifting along, minding your own business, when suddenly an important new study says you’re about to die because you’ve eaten movie popcorn, inhaled second-hand cigarette smoke or ingested mother’s milk? Well, technically the mother’s milk is probably not applicable since the last time you ingested mother’s milk you were probably too young to be reading studies. But you get my point.
People, it’s getting dang hard to enjoy the finer things in life when out there somewhere brain trusts are working feverishly to pull the rug out from under us – which is why I’m extremely happy to report that a few formerly “bad” items have recently turned the corner. Specifically, I’m referring to studies now being widely reported that state a little red wine or dark chocolate may actually be good for us. The glitch, of course, is the subjective relativity of “a little.” I daresay I’m not going too far out on a limb here if I hypothesize that all of the See’s candy we can pound down in one sitting isn’t going to fall within shouting distance of recommended guidelines.
Late last year, a study by some Austrian scientists determined that coffee, or its main component, caffeine, contains benefits we can enthusiastically rally around. Dire warnings of increased blood pressure, higher risk of some types of cancer and other calamitous ills due to the effects of caffeine have haunted us for years. However, this new study confirms what many of us have hopefully believed all along – that a few cups of the old brew boosts our attention span, perks up our logic and reasoning power, and improves our short-term memory.
In fact, I became convinced that the mega-trendy Starbucks had swiftly picked up on this revelation because large, rocket scientist-style words suddenly began appearing at store locations and on our drink sleeves. Big, hefty words like “antediluvian” and “succedaneum” that I can’t even pronounce, let alone define. I rapidly deduced that with a few more shots of caffeine, I, too, could reel off these words, and we all should, therefore, drink loads of coffee to rev up our depleting brain cells. With all this infusion of caffeine, we’ll soon be dropping “foulard” or “eudaemonic” into our everyday conversations.
Later I learned that the Starbucks wordplay hoopla was in conjunction with a new movie release, “Akeelah and the Bee,” but no matter. Feeling positively “autochthonous,” I grabbed the positive effects of all this new brain power, and you can bet your “prestidigitation” I’m not to be deterred.
Fortunately, our fair city boasts many stylish places to grab our favorite caffeinated concoctions, further enhancing our “pulchritude” and “euonym.” With five Starbucks and numerous top-notch independent coffee houses to serve us, we can literally stroll from one coffee spot to another before our cup has cooled in our hand – comforting news now that the price of gasoline is back on the rise.
Obviously it isn’t possible to mention “gasoline” and “coffee” in the same breath without taking just a teensy peek at what those of us standing in the coffee lines are paying for our specialty drinks while we squeal in pain at the pump. Yep, when fuel reaches $24 per gallon, I’ll be paying exactly the same for gasoline as I pay for my grande nonfat latte – my other, uh, fuel.
But like Scarlett O’Hara, I’ll worry about that tomorrow. For now I’m going to take my caffeine-powered intellect and write that bestseller I’ve always talked about. Look for it in bookstores soon; I don’t know what it’s about yet, but I think I’ll call it, “Brunneous.”
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at Ga*********@*ol.com.
