Some of the newbies around here might not be aware of some of the more arcane facets of local history, but long ago when Monterey Road was part of 101, thus forcing everyone driving between the metropolitan North and the metropolitan South to experience our downtown unless they happened to blink at the critical instant, Morgan Hill was notorious throughout the state as a diabolical speed trap. This was a great boon for city revenues, although for many years the mere mention of the words “Morgan Hill” tended to cause thousands of Californians to entertain wistful thoughts of inflicting their personal and no doubt highly colorful versions of the Ten Plagues of Egypt upon our fair community.
Now we are enlightened and no longer lie in wait for passing rubes, hoping they’ll fail to adequately slow down whilst they traverse our confines so we can extricate a few bills from their wallets. No, now we are highly dedicated to the principle that drivers should move through the Greater Downtown area at, if possible, somewhat less than the walking speed of an arthritic tortoise, and so we have cleverly attached to the pavement of the main drag a set of speed bumps on steroids, which are apparently disguised to the eyes of most drivers as nearly insurmountable barriers. I wouldn’t be surprised if casual visitors entertained the reasonable belief that the town is named after them — the Morgan Hills.
It is a daily source of amusement to see herds of the behemoth SUVs which have become so popular, vehicles expansively advertised on television as capable of fording the Mississippi and scooting up the face of El Capitan with nary a qualm, all whoaing up to within a hairsbreadth of a complete dead stop when confronted with this fearsome micro-mountain, then gingerly easing over the top as though they’re afraid they’ll wake the thing up. These condos-on-wheels have nearly enough ground clearance to pitch a tent under with suspension systems suitable for the space shuttle, but to see how they react to a four-inch tall blob of rubber you’d think they were Conestogas facing Donner Pass. And the regular cars are worse.
It’s a bump, people, not a wall. Its intention is to keep you from speeding, not to keep you from moving. Somewhere in the wisdom of our city fathers it has been determined that having a stop light every two blocks is insufficient to adequately distinguish Monterey Road from Daytona Speedway; OK, I can see where confusion might occur, but if they feel they just have to lay a set of Vulcanized curbs perpendicular to the street to thwart the two-block speed demons, could they at least make them a little friendlier? I mean, shouldn’t the concept of “traffic flow” include paying a little attention to the “flow” part?
For example: Instead of the sign that says “BUMP” how about a sign that says “ONLY A BUMP”? And maybe paint them in happier colors than sinister black, or stencil “welcome” on them; you know, some attempt to make them a bit more inviting as though we actually wanted people to give downtown a try when they get momentarily tired of the malls out on the perimeter. If folks believe that they can venture into the city center only at grave risk to the integrity of their shock absorbers, the tranquility of their slumbering infants, and the peaceful, Constitutionally-protected enjoyment of their cell phone conversations uninterrupted by any need to pay attention to the road, well, then the Great Downtown Remodeling Project of 1984 that gave us the charming Victorian street lamps, bucolically landscaped street divider and spiffy brick crosswalks will have all been for nothing, and that would be a civic shame. After all, when Thomas Kinkade is inspired to apply his creative talents to our favored hamlet does he paint a mall? And if he ever does another winsome downtown Morgan Hill scene how likely is it that the Painter of Light is going to drag out a tube of midnight black to accurately portray these menacing beasts crouching insolently in the middle of our main thoroughfare like belligerent gatekeepers? T’would downright ruin the image.
And so they do. As far as I’m concerned these silly things constitute an unnecessary overreaction to any reasonable concern over downtown speeding. So now that we’ve seen the worst the city could find how about trying something a bit more measured, a bit less hostile to forward motion? I mean, having successfully scared all the local vehicles into near-paralysis, let’s try a device more suitable to slowing cars to a reasonable speed and less suitable to keeping East Germans from escaping to the West. Just a thought.
Robert Mitchell is an eccentric attorney who has been practicing general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.****@ve*****.net.
