Today, a short history lesson:
The tradition of the Christmas tree dates back some seven billion years when residents of Germany, having just discovered beer and bratwurst, decided it would be a real hoot to haul into their homes a few live fir trees, stick some lit candles into the branches and throw back a couple of cold ones before the house caught fire. OK, maybe I don’t have all my facts exactly straight here, but suffice to say that the Christmas tree, or “Tannenbaum” of yesteryear plays a major part in today’s Christmas traditions.
So I admit that I didn’t believe my daughter when she sent me an e-mail saying that I had to go to the Web site of a large discount department store to see the (oh, I can’t believe what I am about to say) upside-down artificial Christmas trees.
“You know, dear,” I instant messaged her back, “It is 9:30am. Isn’t it just a bit early to be hitting the eggnog?”
“Check it out,” she shot back.
Yes, my friends, it’s true. There on the Web site you’ve known and trusted for years – where innocent people order whistling teakettles, ping pong balls and cordless drill kits with stud finders – I found several illustrations of artificial trees rendered topsy turvey. My neck involuntarily twisted floor ward to get a more proper, i.e. right-side up, perspective of what I witnessed on my computer monitor.
Not that you get any special price for these anomalies – no-siree-Bob! Price wise, these oddities of Christmas rated the big bucks. One especially homely tree, the seven-and-a-half-foot “Pre-Lit Mushroom Fir Tree,” a scraggly mutt of a tree perched atop a long wooden broomstick-like base, said base comprising roughly half of the seven-plus feet, was selling for slightly under $200. Now, besides the price, what frightened me about this particular tree was the name: “Mushroom” fir tree. I know we humorously refer to ourselves as living in “Mushroom City,” but please, city leaders: don’t get any ideas here. Trust me; we need one of these babies as a symbol of our town like we need an outbreak of rabid nematodes.
When I heard that a couple of these oddball trees were decorated and on display at a major mall in San Jose, being the serious journalist that I am, I drove north to investigate. Sure enough, amongst the respectable large-at-the- bottom, pointy-on-top artificial trees stood two defiantly inverted Christmas trees that were decorated to the hilt.
One upturned tree sported your normal green boughs and had been decorated with conventional ornaments. It would have been quite lovely except for the fact that its tiny “top” had been anchored to a wooden stand on the floor while its ample “bottom” flared out high above me, perilously near the ceiling. The other tree was – OK, I will admit it – kind of appealing in a whimsical sort of way. It was pure, sparkly white and decorated in a Santa’s Candy Land theme with thousands of lights and brightly colored fanciful ornaments.
“So – what do you think of these trees?” I asked the sales associate who was hard at work re-arranging some errant elves.
“Well, I think the fantasy tree is really fun, but I tell you, the traditional one is freaking me out,” she confessed, her eyes darting about for signs of a supervisor who might find her candor unfavorable.
Rare sights like these bizarre trees draw onlookers like pileups on the highway, so it wasn’t long before the sales associate and I were enveloped by other shoppers anxious to offer their opinions.
“I guess it might work for some … families,” one woman offered.
“Might look OK in a Manhattan penthouse, but in my tract home in Campbell? Hmmm … not so much,” another chimed in.
“It would keep my cat out of the Christmas tree, that’s for sure,” the lone guy remarked wistfully.
The sales associate clarified that the trees, originally developed for department store use, had a smaller “footprint,” rendering them practical for smaller spaces as well as making the ornaments easier to display for some unfathomable reason. “And you can store a whole lot more presents beneath an upside-down Christmas tree,” she pointed out gleefully.
Great. Score another sales strategy for the Christmas season and mass consumerism.
And what about the ornaments? Yes, they hang – today. But what’s to keep the creative brain trusts behind this cockeyed idea from deciding next year that the ornaments should point skyward, forcing us to buy scores of new ones so we don’t fall out of style – because heaven forbid that should happen!
Speaking of the inventors of this concept – how do you think all this nonsense transpired anyway? I’ll tell you how: it definitely involved lots of beer. Some product development guys were out for a few pops late one night when one of them bet the others that people will buy anything at Christmas.
“Anything?” the group chorused, egging him on.
“Yep – Anything!!” the first guy roared. “And I’ll prove it to you. Next year we’ll offer Christmas trees that are – OK, hold on – upside-down!!”
“Never happen!” yelled the others. “You’re on!”
And that, dear friends, is my theory based on about three minutes of deeply intense personal thought and absolutely no research. So if you’re thinking of jumping on the Christmas home-fashion fad bandwagon, by all means get yourself an upside-down Christmas tree.
It’ll confuse the heck out of your cat.
Gale Hammond is a 23-year Morgan Hill resident. Reach her at
Ga*********@ao*.com
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