What Iowa can teach our children

Well, it’s finally over: The most important, earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting, portentous political event since – oh, gosh, a very long time ago, really – has concluded, and by that I am of course referring to the Iowa caucuses, in the relentless view of the media. Never in the history of a Mongol horde of reporters with nothing better to do has there been such a lengthy, breathless, heart-stopping buildup to a non-binding straw poll among 20 percent of the Republicans in a state whose total population could fit into metropolitan Los Angeles without appreciably slowing down the traffic on the 405.

OK, so the Divine Exalted Poobah of North Korea just died and Iran is trying its best to provoke a war with us, both of which are perhaps of greater significance to the Big Picture these days than the goings-on of the GOP faithful in the Hawkeye State, but entry into either North Korea or Iran would be something of a bother for American journalists and the food can be dodgy, whereas sneaking a camera crew across the Iowa border in the dead of night accompanied by native guides at risk to their lives is a piece of cake.

So I suppose it is only natural that from the coffee shops of Ottumwa to the, uh, coffee shops (it’s always coffee shops) of Grundy Center we saw endless reporters posing endless questions to endless Iowans, the sum of which produced scientific proof that no one in Iowa had a clue who they were going to vote for prior to voting.

And now that the non-binding sort-of-votes have been counted the newsmongers are shocked and stunned to observe that no single candidate took the state by storm, leaving the candidatorial waters about as muddy as they were before except for Michelle Bachmann who chose to exit the waters secure in her belief that her principles best represent the American people, because no one voted for her and her principles.

And now the traveling freakshow will move on, and on, and on through state after state, hurling so much mud in all directions that an environmental impact report should be required every time a candidate speaks, and if the Iowa experience is any hint, the media will follow like groupies on a Guns ‘n’ Roses tour, filling up our televisions with today’s insightful tidbit from somebody in a coffee shop somewhere in today’s battleground state.

Now, you might take me for a cynic in this, but you would be wrong: in fact, I think this whole ludicrous, pathetic Gong Show of debates and primaries can be a very positive experience if we look at it right. That is to say, close your eyes hold your nose, try not to gag on the political element and instead focus on the Parade of the Primaries as a geography lesson.

This could be a great tool for schools to teach about America – no textbooks required, just steal from the media. For example, in the past two weeks I have heard way too many times about which candidates “campaigned in all 99 counties.” Well, see, I didn’t know that; who knew Iowa has 99 counties? That’s a little-known fact about this great country of ours which the media has graciously bludgeoned into the public consciousness.

Teachers could have a field day letting the kiddies hear the network camp-followers spew volumes of interesting facts which taken together could augment their education in any number of geographical and sociological areas of America.

“Students, your assignment for tonight is to watch the news network of your choice for two hours, and write a report answering the following questions:

1. How many counties are there in the state at least four candidates are in today (things like the number of counties in a state is just so classically, you know, schoolish)?

2. Which candidate or candidates told three diametrically-opposed groups of voters exactly what each of them wanted to hear today, and name the cities he or they were in?

3. What percentage of voters in today’s state say they can’t decide whether to ‘go with their principles’ or vote for someone with a real chance, however slim, of actually being elected”?                                          

And so on; I guarantee you, if done properly millions of kids would learn tons of stuff about America that they would never otherwise know because none of it is on the standardized tests they spend their school years being taught to conquer.

Just keep them away from the politics.

Despite being an award-winning columnist, Robert Mitchell doggedly remains the same eccentric attorney who has practiced general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.****@ve*****.net.