Like a majestic lumbering herd of wooly Ice Age beasts, the leadership of the Republican Party has in recent years been engaged in a great migration toward the rightmost edge of the political spectrum, and by this point they are sending out scouting parties to see how much more territory remains to squeeze into before they run up against the edge of the known ideological universe and are crushed like overzealous fans rushing the stage at a rock concert. These intrepid forerunners are called “candidates” and their enthusiasm for the task now borders on comical.
First, in keeping with the “demonize thy opponent” mantra dutifully droned by all GOP hopefuls since 1994 they accused any Democrat who happened to cross their field of vision as a “socialist” until they discovered that too many people were equating “socialist” with “social network” and wondering why having a Facebook page was a dire threat to the American Way.
They fell back on the utility GOP synonym for blasphemy, “liberal,” figuring everyone could understand that “liberal” means “not a good Republican and thus damned to the eternal fires of Hades as enemies of the State.” But then they found that the heinous insult might also apply to some suffering a crisis of faith within their own party, thus the new mark of Cain “liberal Republican” followed shortly by the wondrously arrogant “Republican in name only” or RINO. The invective-fest was on.
Having cast the Democrats from the company of the holy and having purged the stragglers from within the ranks, the guardians of Republican purity still felt their work was not done, so they launched yet another round of ideological sterilization with a broadside assault on the soft and squishy middle of the Party; welcome to the new GOP epithet: “moderate.”
They knew that this one would take some getting used to, moderate having been an emblem of virtue for the past few thousand years, as in the ancient Greek maxim “all things in moderation.” But in less than no time the candidates fell right into line, parrying the accusation as though it were a stain on the legitimacy of their lineage.
“How dare Mr. Gingrich call me a moderate,” harrumphed Mitt. “Why, I haven’t a moderate bone in my body; I have always been and will always be a, um, uh, non-moderate, a, uh …Â there must be a word for it; “extremist” comes to mind but that doesn’t sound good, unless Gingrich claims to be one in which case I’m one too only more so.”
SANTORUM: “Moderate? Are you kidding me? I’m so, um, unmoderate that in my heart I have never believed that the Earth is round. That’s why I don’t believe global warming is real – no globe. The way I see it if there is any rise in temperature, which can’t possibly be attributable to human activity, it will just be carried away by the wind and will eventually fall off the edge and disappear – does that sound moderate? No sir, you can’t stick that label on me, the last thing this country needs is moderation.”
RON PAUL: “I’m opposed to everything, pure and simple. Whatever it is, I don’t like it, I don’t want it. Now, if someone can show me how that’s a moderate position I’ll support a tax increase on the rich. I make Barry Goldwater look like Ted Kennedy.”
GINGRICH: “Poppycock, they’re all moderates, as scientifically proven by the fact that I say they are. I alone am the true conservative in this race, the genuine heir to the GOP throne. As soon as I am elected head of the government I loathe and despise I will begin enacting true conservative principles including … wait, give me a moment, I have just been handed a note from the Republican National Committee. Oh my, it has decreed that “conservative” is no longer sufficiently immaculate to describe party leadership, so it has become insulting. OK, got it.”
“Now, as I was saying, all my opponents in this race are despicable socialist liberal RINO moderate conservatives unworthy of carrying the GOP banner to victory in November. I alone am the true overlord of the as yet unnamed territory somewhere to the right of conservative, and I vow that I will hold steadfast to that position until it moves again.”
The Mayan calendar believers say the world is going to end in December; I just hope we make it that far.
Despite being an award-winning columnist, Robert Mitchell doggedly remains the same eccentric attorney who has practiced general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at r.****@ve*****.net.
