OK, gotta set the scene, get a mood going; see, it’s one of those TV commercials to which we are subjected approximately every 10 minutes day and night intended for men of a certain age and condition to make us – I mean, them, not me, no sir – believe (1) that there is something, ummm, missing in our, I mean their, lives and (2) how truly miraculous it is that there is a handy pill which will, ummm, bring it all back. So … Barry White music in the background, a homey scene bursting with potential romance, a handsome guy with a slightly loopy smile, and action! – which means a soothing voiceover.
“You look across the room and see the object of your desire, you remember the attraction you felt all those years ago, and suddenly an everyday moment becomes a special moment. Feelings well up inside you as you approach and gaze lovingly at your better half. Your shining star. The repository of all your goals and dreams. Your partner through thick and thin.
“Your money. There it is on the table, the leather binder lovingly embracing your 401k statements, your stocks, your gold certificates, the password to your offshore account in the Bahamas; it’s all there, just waiting for when you know the time is right. And that time is now – are you ready?
“Sadly, no, you’re not. As much as you want to take that stack of wealth in your arms and show it how much you care you can’t stay focused. The fantasies of steering a high-end Mercedes convertible along twisting roads in exotic foreign paradises, the wind rushing through your ruggedly restored hair, it’s not working for you like it used to. Try as you might you cannot realistically imagine the feeling of others envying you for your financial success.
“Why? Because you, like millions of other Americans, suffer from a malady which we have finally learned to talk openly about: E.D. You know what I mean, be honest with yourself; it’s an affliction, not a failure. I’m talking about European Debt, one of the major causes of listlessness, apathy, weight gain and declining hubba-hubba, if you get my meaning, in America today. The vital appendages of our economy, the reproductive capacity of the job market, the growth of the private parts of our financial sector are being drained of their life’s blood by chronic, recurring, distracting doubts about the strength of the Euro, the austerity measures in Greece, the manufacturing outlook in Italy. No matter what good things are happening here at home the specter of Euro-debt remains the saltpeter in our post-recession coffee.
“Oh, sure, you try to stay optimistic about the economic recovery but with the constant drumbeat of bad news about the limp GDP indicators of the European Union nations and their shrinking export-to-debt ratios, how long can you keep it up?
“Fortunately, there is help. You too can sit with your beloved portfolio in adjacent bathtubs watching the sunset. All you need to do is recognize that there isn’t diddly you can do about E.D.; it’s utterly out of your hands. Neither Obama nor the annoying blowhards in Congress nor the Treasury Secretary nor all the fair and balanced pundits on Fox news put together can fix what’s wrong with Europe, and so long as the EU has E.D. our recovery is going to make the scariest roller coaster ride at Great America look like the parking lot at Great America.
“For 99 percent of human history people have lived at the mercy of things they can’t control: bad crops, livestock disease, plague, drought; it’s all been a big roll of the dice. Nowadays we’re relatively safe from the Black Death and crop failure, but we’re subject to devices of our own creation we can’t control, like the self-serving banking practices of countries we’ve never been to, places our geography-challenged kids couldn’t find on a map. Rats brought the Plague and nobody saw it coming; now the rats wear bespoke suits and drive Bentleys but they kill us just as effectively.
“So, given that you’re helpless to make your money do what you want it to, ask your inner financial counselor, Why aggravate myself? Then ask your doctor if Why-aggra is right for you. Caution: Stop taking Why-aggra if you experience the Dow-Jones managing to stay above 13,000 for four weeks in a row, as it may be a sign that the recovery has decided to get serious.”
Cue the music.
