Hello, welcome to City Hall; you’re right on time for your
interview for the city official position we’ve been advertising.
Good, we like punctuality; we run a tight ship here in Morgan Hill
and we have high standards for our employees.
Hello, welcome to City Hall; you’re right on time for your interview for the city official position we’ve been advertising. Good, we like punctuality; we run a tight ship here in Morgan Hill and we have high standards for our employees.
I’ve read your resume – very impressive. I think you could be a very good fit for us, so let me tell you a little about our fair city.
As you undoubtedly saw when you drove in, we are a very scenic community.
As wide spots in the road go, old Mr. Hill picked himself out a real pretty spot to widen the road, and we get no end of compliments from folks who visit. They just go on and on about the hills and the open countryside and the pretty places to drive to in the neighborhood. And of course there’s more fun stuff nearby than you can shake a stick at; I mean, you got your great golf courses over in Monterey and you got your cultural activities up in The City and you got your malls in San Jose, and you can’t swing a cat – that’s a live, healthy cat gently swung by a professional; no animals were harmed in the making of this reference – without hitting at least two wineries.
The lifestyle is laid back, semi-rural casual. People know each other, they stop and chat on the street, they shop in each other’s stores, there’s a real sense of community here. Most folks take to it like a Frenchman to brie.
There is a minor caveat. Here in Morgan Hill we like to treat our public officials like glamorous movie stars – well, at least the aspect of stardom that involves being tabloid-fodder.
So if you’ve ever stood in the grocery store checkout line idly gazing at the sleazy headlines on the scandal sheets trumpeting shocking secrets about Brad and Angelina and thought, “Gee, if only that could be me” then this job could be your dream come true.
You will be provided with an entourage, or to be more precise, you might – we can’t really tell you yes or no. You may not even know you have one; in fact, your not knowing would be kind of the point of the exercise. Some people might prefer to use terms like “surveillance” or “spying” or “snooping” but we like entourage, it’s so much classier and makes people feel important in a hounded sort of way.
I see you’re beginning to get the picture and I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m talking about crossing somebody who doesn’t like the way you do your job and tries to dig up some dirt that can be used against you, so as long as you keep your nose clean you’ll be safe. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.
See, your nose can be so clean they could manufacture silicon chips on it and it wouldn’t matter. All it takes is a few good old local boys sitting around the cracker barrel with too much time on their hands who think they know something about your private life and bingo – you’re fair game for an entourage.
And if the entourage includes a unit of the Keystone Kops who bungle things so badly that the whole thing explodes into the public eye and you end up with a load of unflattering unsupported rumors hung around your neck, well, too bad – you’re a public official and surreptitiously prying into your life 24-7 anywhere in the world is constitutionally protected; the ruin of your reputation is just collateral damage.
Oh, and by the way, don’t expect us as your employer to cover your back if this happens; we could get in trouble if we officially register offense at what has happened to you so we would have to just keep our heads down and let you twist slowly in the wind. Sorry about that.
Now, at this point you might begin to feel a little paranoid. Well, we certainly hope so; in fact, a strong sense of paranoia has to be part of your skill set. As a public official you have to have the attitude and reflexes of a secret agent, so be wary of everything – you might have an entourage.
Not worth it, you say?
You’d rather work for some other city?
Sorry, you could find this anywhere you go now, although we’re very proud to have set the precedent.
Well, that about covers the entourage; now, about the paparazzi …
Despite being an award-winning columnist, Robert Mitchell doggedly remains the same eccentric attorney who has practiced general law in Morgan Hill for more than 30 years. Reach him at
r.****@ve*****.net
