Once again the fingers of death have paid our community a visit,
and we struggle to put into words or actions that which will bring
comfort for the family, friends and relatives of those left
behind.
Once again the fingers of death have paid our community a visit, and we struggle to put into words or actions that which will bring comfort for the family, friends and relatives of those left behind.
As a society, we tend to be close lipped about dealing with losses, and so I offer these few words in the hope they will be of help. It’s a short course in what to say or not to say to the next of kin of the deceased.
Do not attempt to explain the death. Comments such as “This is all part of God’s plan,” or “You are enduring the worst tragedy that could happen” are not helpful or comforting. Those caught in a grief storm are not looking for theology or cosmic wisdom.
Do not minimize the impact of the death. Deaths of loved ones are always consequential, and must be regarded as such. A loss of a severely mentally retarded child or the loss of a healthy functioning child is still a loss and a devastation for the family and friends. “At least she isn’t suffering anymore” can be viewed as cruel and not helpful.
Do not talk about the unfairness of life or make the deceased and the family a victim of circumstances. Comments such as “Your wife was such a good woman, I don’t see why she had to die,” or something along these lines causes harm more than help. The death of a loved one creates chaos in the mental and emotional states of the families and friends. Often, they wonder whether they could have done something more to change the circumstances or to save the deceased. Don’t say anything that could reinforce these feelings.
Do express your sadness, sympathy and offer support, always recognizing that silence and a hug speak volumes. Give yourself permission to say nothing at all, realizing that we can’t make it better and there are no magic words that will. Many avoid speaking fearing a bumbling of words or just not knowing what to say. A hug and “I am here for you. I know these days are difficult for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers,” are safe words. Less is better.
If you want to offer more than moral support, just do it. Offer to take their car to be washed before the funeral. Offer to do laundry, house sit or answer the phone. Be imaginative in discerning the routine household tasks you can perform for the grieving as these are the tasks that tend to be left undone. Never force yourself upon the family, but usually a doer is gratefully welcomed while a mere promiser, “If there is anything I can do, let me know,” is forgotten.
Being of support during the weeks after the funeral is much more needed than the week surrounding the burial, when the house could be full of activity with people phoning or stopping by. The silence can be more deafening than the loss of life has been experienced.
If the death was tragic, that is, premature, suicidal or violent, understand that support will be needed for many weeks, if not months. Grief is a journey, second by second, and is not linear.
The level of support will eventually decrease but do not expect that after only a few weeks or months the bereavement will just end and the bereaved will “get on” with life.
“Getting over it” is something that may never happen for families of those who died tragically. Years have a way of dulling pain, but the loss is never forgotten. Parents who lose children never get over it emotionally and after a time their routines may appear normal. But they always grieve, even after decades. One parent shared with me her innermost thoughts. “I feel as if I have one foot here on the earth and the other in heaven. I have no place to put both feet yet.”
Anniversary dates, special occasions, holidays, birthdays and the weeks preceding these can be especially difficult. For those who lost a spouse, the next Valentine’s day or Thanksgiving day can be challenging.
Call just to say, “You are on my mind and I wanted to send you my love.” Sending a card with a memory of the loved one is also appreciated. Many grieving find it helpful if you give them an opportunity or an opening to talk about their loved one and their positive accomplishments or funny stories.
Your presence, with or without words, is soothing balm. Knowing someone empathizes and is concerned makes a world of difference.
I hope these thoughts have been of value as we go together through the cycles of life.
Mary Ellen Salzano is a Realtor for Century 21 Premier. She lives in Morgan Hill with her husband and two children. Contact her at ma***************@ya***.com
