What an outrage! Here on the cusp of summer one major airline is tacking a $15 fee to our first piece of checked baggage, and you can be sure other carriers won't be far behind. Yes, friends, it's the ultimate summer bummer.
Is it just me or has it been an outrageously long time since the airlines did us travelers any favors? And when it comes to our bags, is it too much to ask that said bags actually be delivered to the same airport we're flying into? Frankly, if I pay the $15 baggage fee, board a flight to Denver and my suitcase arrives in Ypsilanti, I want a refund.
It used to be better. Ten years ago I brought home a suitcase full of rocks from Los Angeles (don't ask; just trust me when I say those rocks were really special), and the nice agent checking my bags guffawed, "What have you got in here, lady? Rocks?" and of course I was honest and said yes, and the nice agent thought I was pulling his leg. In pre-911 days you could have checked a suitcase containing Pamela Anderson and nobody would've cared.
Transporting rocks would not fly (literally) nowadays. If I attempted this maneuver today, alert baggage inspectors would rip open my bag and x-ray those innocent rocks within an inch of their sedentary little lives while testing them for explosives or other lethal substances. My luggage would be confiscated and searched for knives and Uzi automatics, and I'd be detained for weeks until somebody got it that I was not a nutcase on a mission.
To alleviate the frustration of checking bags, many travelers choose the alternative: the carry-on. Airlines make a big deal of displaying the proper size of a carry-on bag, even suggesting that transgressors are "baggage hogs" or some such but - Hello??? Have you ever seen anyone carry a bag onto an airplane that truly conforms to those size requirements? Passengers carry on bags that may contain actual Sub-Zero refrigerators. And just try to find a teeny scrap of overhead storage for your stuff when 50 people ahead of you are schlepping their big old carry-on bags onto the plane, gobbling up all the available overhead space. And since the airlines have rules about everything, how about adding another? How about a rule that the only overhead bin passengers are allowed to use is the one directly above that passenger's own personal seat? Any travelers violating the rule would be taken out behind the plane and shot.
OK, that was a little harsh, but here's the dilemma: airport security rules now limit the size of certain carry-on items to teensy little bottles and tubes for toothpaste and other necessities. Before long we'll be forced to make travel plans based on the number of ounces of mouthwash we can bring on any given flight. For example:
"Why, hello, Margaret. I thought you were in Morocco!" "No, Louise, our vacation was cut short because we couldn't carry enough of Herb's hemorrhoid medication onto the plane to finish the trip. Plus there's no way of keeping my hair squeaky clean on just one airline-approved bottle of shampoo. Morocco is definitely a three-bottle destination." "I hear you, Margaret. I planned to visit my sister in Ackworth, but that's a two airline-approved-tubes-of-toothpaste destination. My brother in Cleghorn is a one-tube trip so I'm visiting there next fall. "
Do you know what this means? Before long desperate travelers, sick of paying baggage fees, will shell out cash to random unsavory people to surreptitiously carry contraband toiletry items on board their flight. Cosmetics mules: the next form of illicit activity spawned by an airline's foolish decision to charge travelers to check a bag.
It wasn't that long ago airlines cared about our needs. We were actually served meals onboard, and I guess that serves us right for griping about airplane food. Now it's one beverage and a postage-stamp-sized bag of peanuts that has to last us through miles of air space, weather-related delays and runway backups.
Remember when airports contained vending machines allowing passengers to purchase flight insurance? Personally, I think things started going downhill when the airports removed those machines. Suddenly it appeared safe to fly. If you didn't need flight insurance, it must mean you stood a good chance of arriving in one piece at your destination. So airlines figured since they had us by the short hairs they would go off all willy-nilly - starving us as we were helplessly strapped into our seats. And now this: charging us to check our bags. Where will it stop people? Is it not enough that you drew a seat next to the guy that smells like a shrimp boat? I mean, airplane seats are so small these days we must be surgically removed from our fellow passengers upon arrival at our destination. And with airlines running amok this way, it won't stop with baggage fees, people. Mark my words: before long we'll be asked to take a seat in the cockpit so the pilot can snag a quick nap while we steer the plane.
So you see, with this latest endeavor to wring a few more dollars out of the traveling public, people will revert back to the good old road trip where vehicles have endless trunk space and come to think of it - those suitcases can be any darned size you want them to be. Of course you'll have to refinance your house to pay for the fuel.
Yes, this baggage fee situation puts us all into quite a pickle, but how about this, Mr. Big Airline Executive Chairman: In place of that watered down drink and itty-bitty packet of peanuts you serve us, we travelers will pack a lunch instead, and your big airline can go back to doing what we've all grown accustomed to its doing: sending our luggage to Ypsilanti while we disembark in Denver. But you can keep on doing it for free.
Gale Hammond Gale Hammond is a writer and freelance photographer who has lived in Morgan Hill 24 years. Reach her at GaleHammond@aol.com.
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