Back in the day when Dinosaur's roamed the earth and volcanoes were still erupting to create numerous islands and whatnot, I went to school. Yes, I know that most of you were positive we did not have school back then, but we did. In fact, my school was called "Stand Up Straight You Dang Homo Ergaster."
And because I have lived so long and went to school such a long time ago, I cannot possibly help Junior with his homework. Yes, this is my excuse and frankly, it's working for me. It's gotten me out of helping with math homework since Junior was in the fourth grade. Well, that and the fact that one day I looked at his homework and mused out loud, "I know those are numbers, but what are all those symbol-y looking things?" And my son rolled his big brown eyes and answered, "Mom, they're plus signs. Jeesh."
So you can see the whole school experience thing isn't working too well for me. But there is a flip side. Once school has started, moms across the valley will have an opportunity to do something they haven't done since June: go to the bathroom without interruption.
I'm telling you, this is a major deal. Oh, sure if you have yet to experience parenthood or if you're an empty nester, you might take bathroom privacy for granted. But we parents cannot. Since our kids were little, we haven't had one moment of peace on the potty.
It starts when the kids are small. We don't want to leave them alone, so we leave the bathroom door open just a bit. And it never, ever gets shut all the way again, metaphorically speaking. You see, even when the kids are older, they still feel free to interrupt your private time.
There isn't a summer day that has gone by without me going into the bathroom only to hear a knock followed by something horrible like, "Mom, I'm making eggs. Do we have a fire extinguisher?" Or, "Wow! Mom, we were having a Nerf war and look what I found? Do you think it's poisonous? Should I let him slide under the door so you can take a look?" Or even, "Mom! Why is the door locked? Are you being kidnapped? You said don't lock the door in case there is an emergency and you need to get me out of the bathroom. Mom?"
I'm telling you, motherhood isn't for whimps. I can't even take a shower without interruption. I swear, I could delay a shower until Junior is outside or playing PS3 with friends and the very minute I step into the shower and feel that hot water cascade over me, he will need a sandwich. Or the code to unlock the TV so he and his friends can watch a movie. Or, although this rarely happens, clean socks.
And don't even try sneaking off. Children have a built-in alarm that goes off when their parents head into the bathroom for any reason whatsoever. I can't tell you the number of times I've slunk off to the bathroom to try to put some makeup on only to be interrupted with a knock on the door and a question of vital importance that absolutely cannot wait two minutes until I get some freaking mascara on, like "Can I have a dog?" Or "when does daylight saving time start?"
And taking a bath at night, after the child has gone to bed doesn't work either. Just as I get into the bath, covered with bubbles, a glass of wine and a chicklit book in hand, there it is. The ominous knock, followed by the question, "Mom, are you in there?" You have no idea how badly I want to say, "No. Your mom is downstairs. I'm a friend using he bathroom so go away."
But as of Thursday, I have the bathroom to myself, between the hours of 8:30 and 2:30, of course. I can shower. I can take a bubble bath after lunch. I can even put on mascara if I so choose. Oh sure, there's a downside. I mean, I will have to help with homework. But it's worth it to take a shower and shave my legs all in the same morning. Ahhh. Bliss.
Laurie Sontag Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. Her columns are syndicated. You can contact her at Laurie@lauriesontag.com.
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