As a parent, I am frequently called upon to answer Great Mysteries of Life. Unfortunately, they never covered this topic in any parenting class, so I make up the answers. Oh, I know this is bad - I really do. But seriously, how do you explain aerodynamics to a 6-year-old? You can't. And not just because I don't know anything about aerodynamics either. Well, OK, it's mainly because I don't know anything about aerodynamics. But some of it is because it's hard to answer these kinds of questions.
So I decided early on to tailor my answers to the age of the questioner. For example, when Junior was 3 and asked why the ocean was blue, I did not muddle his brain - and mine - with a bunch of scientific stuff like reflection and sunlight, followed by a lecture on the importance of staying awake during high school science class. Instead, being the enlightened - and by that I mean lazy - parent that I am, I gave him an answer that he could understand. "The ocean is blue," I explained, "because that's where we grow blueberries."
So, to help out other parents who, like me, really don't know everything, I have compiled a list of questions I have been asked over the years, along with my answers. Use these wisely and remember, there is no question that a parent can't answer. Whether it's a correct answer or not is a completely different story.
How do birds achieve lift off?
They eat too many worms. It's a well-known fact that worms make birds pass gas. The birds eat a bunch of worms, let off a big one and BOOM! They are soaring through the air.
Why can't I jump off the roof when I'm wearing my Superman cape?
Because you aren't from the Planet Krypton. Unfortunately, you are from earth and here only birds fly, no matter what kind of cape you wear.
How do planes fly?
Tinkerbelle has sprinkled magic pixie dust on all the airplanes so they can fly. And no, she can't sprinkle it on you, even if you do look handsome in your Superman cape.
Why do snakes live in holes?
Because they don't have any arms, so they can't hold a hammer and nails to build a house.
Why do we have belly buttons?
Because butt buttons just look stupid. No, seriously, we have belly buttons so we know where to tickle you.
Why do we wear clothes?
Because nobody wants to see mommy naked.
What makes wind?
Daddy. And sometimes the dog.
Where do babies come from?
The stork. If you don't believe me, watch "Dumbo." It's a documentary. That's like a reality TV show from the olden days.
Why are clouds white and fluffy?
Because they are made of cotton balls. There are about a bazillion of them up there. They floated up there about 100 years ago when a cotton ball plant had its roof blown off and all the cotton escaped.
Can you think about nothing?
Yes, dear. In fact mommy's brain is filled with absolutely nothing.
What are Maxwell's Equations?
They are the four fundamental equations governing electromagnetism. Wait! Who are you and what have you done with my child?
Well, that's enough to get you started. And now parents of the world please go out and confuse the heck out of your youngsters. Trust me when I say this is more fun than should be legal.
Laurie Sontag Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. Her columns are syndicated. You can contact her at Laurie@lauriesontag.com.
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